Split Enz has a beef with history.
"History never repeats." - Split EnzSplit Enz, of course, is a band we left behind in the 20th Century, proving that maybe its song has a point.
But for every Split Enz, there's something else that we still have to deal with that should've been taken care of years ago. As the Cranberries (another band we've left behind, I hope) once said, "Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?"
No, you don't have to let it linger, Cranberries. In fact, maybe we all have a duty to try to intervene to stop certain things from lingering. If you don't believe me, just watch the Back to the Future films.
If we can't take care of this stuff, how will we ever have floating cars, robot butlers, and giant domes protecting our cities from alien attacks?
1. Actor/singers - I thought we were done with the actor/singer phenomenon when we finished with Minnie Driver, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, and Jennifer Lopez - but just when you think it's safe to visit iTunes again, up pop Scarlett Johansen, Jamie Foxx, and Juliette Lewis.
William Shatner, however: keep on keeping on!
2. Litter - Cigarette butts outside RRC, empty beverage containers strewn along Corydon, random stuff tossed from cars, broken bottles under children's feet, bodies strewn across the dead-end street. If we can't stop ourselves from the most basic insult to the environment - chucking our crap on the ground because we don't want to carry it a block - how will we crack global warming?
3. Self absorption - I'm sorry, what was I talking about here? I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the computer screen and was momentarily distracted by my wonderous beauty.
4. Crappy mainstream movies - While TV keeps getting better and better, mainstream movies keep getting crappier and crappier, right Mudflap and Skids? No more robots, explosions, car chases, wisecracking buddies, or villains bent on world domination, please - unless you're District 9, in which case: more of all of the above.
5. Plastic surgery as a beauty aid - Does growing old gracefully really mean having that puffy, plasticky look of constant surprise? Mary Tyler Moore and Joan Rivers paved the way, Jessica Lange and Meg Ryan followed, and now even a supposed regular guy like Billy Crystal has plastic surgery. As Greg Proops once said of Mary Tyler Moore: "Sure, she looks young. Like the youngest raptor in all Jurassic Park."
6. Ads before movies - There are some places where advertising doesn't work: before movies is one of them. I just paid $50 for a bag of popcorn and a drink: do I really need to watch ads now too?
7. Smoking on patios - It's unsafe for me to inhale second-hand smoke inside, but not on a patio? This beautiful, sunny day is sponsored by Lucky Strike!
8. Cell phone conversations/text messaging during movies - For all that's right and good and decent in the world, let's block those cell phone signals in movie theatres already.
9. Mariah Carey - A post-Glitter Mariah Carey? Who would've thunk it?
10. Outrageously expensive concert tickets - $240 to see Dane Cook? I saw Cook at the Pyramid Cabaret in the front row for $15 no more than a handful of years ago when he was still hilarious. Now he's not as funny and...the prices go up? Who knew that price and hilarity are inversely related?
11. Rudeness disguised as "just being honest" - It's only OK to insult and demean others on the grounds of "just being honest" if you're also willing to listen to what others think of you in return. Just being honest!
12. U2 - I knew "Pride (in the Name of Love)" U2, and "Get on Your Boots" is no "Pride (in the Name of Love)."
13. Lists - Especially ones about things we should've been done with last century.