Sunday, November 15, 2009

Memo to myself: New Year's resolution shortlist

Say you want a resolution.

Hey, so do I! So here's my New Year's resolution shortlist for 2010 - things I hope to reduce or stop doing altogether, though I wouldn't exactly put money down on my ability to do so:

1. Quoting the New York Times: I read in the New York Times that it's irritating.

2. Singing and whistling out loud. Though songs like this one (by Ewarde Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes) make socially acceptable. Right? Right!

3.Thinking about my own personal problems while other people are talking to me about theirs. What was that? I was just thinking about eating a tasty ham for dinner.

4. Laughing at my own jokes. But they're so damn funny! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Cough, cough.

5. Saying, "Wah, wah, wah" after something lame happens.

6. Buying CDs. I heard they're available online, for free. I'm going to look into it. I'm skeptical, but I'll get back to you if it's true.

7. Eating chips and pie after working out. On a treadmill, though, what else is there to think about?

8. Having murderous thoughts about the person using the bank machine in front of me. But honestly, are these people applying for mortgages, recording a segment for Speakers' Corner, and ordering takeout, or what?

9. Hand-drumming on desks and table tops. Me waiting for someone at Red Lobster:

10. Cursing like a sailor. But when I'm vacuuming and stub my toe against a table, so few other words seem to fit.

Wah, wah, wah.


  1. Haha! Most of those are valid things to do though! One works out so they can enjoy things such as chips and pie, and if you find your own joke funny, then laugh (I sure laugh at my own jokes).

    I also figure most resolutions fall flat anyways. I make'em every year but most of them end up being forgotten by February,

  2. General: "Conan, what is best in life?"

    Arnie: "Crush your enemies. See dem driven before you. Den, eat chips und pie."

  3. Awww, you guys make me feel so much better about myself.

    Then again: is there anything sadder than eating chips and pie by yourself while laughing at your own jokes?

    Throw in a bottle of Jack Daniels and a sawed-off shotgun, and you're pretty much unemployable.


    And, yes, after writing this post, I ate some chips. Now, I'm going to Sobey's to get some pie.

    Can I pick up anything for you?

  4. I don't make resolutions. I'm perfect. But if I did I would probably forget about them too.

    I don't see anything wrong with #5 though. That's kind of a reflex, isn't it?

  5. Number five is a reflex - which is what makes it so hard to stop. I need something else to take its place - have you got an all-new sound effect for me?

    Feeling better, Sam?

  6. Kenton, your lists are awesome! I hope your resolutions work out.

    #7 is always so hard for me! The reward should be when I can fit into skinny jeans, but I choose to indulge the moment after the sweat dries off my face. I usually hide this detail from my workout buddy.

  7. This list is hilarious.

    The combination of #3 and #7 is a problem for me. When people are talking about their problems, I'm thinking about chips and pie!

  8. Great post, Kenton. A couple of thoughts:

    I whistle a lot while working. I sometimes feel like a misplaced Dwarf (probably Grumpy). You shouldn't stop doing that. It makes you feel good; it's damn near impossible to feel crappy while you're whistling. It's almost like you get a rush of endorphins from it.

    Laughing at your own jokes is simply a clue to others that you're funny. If anything, you should do it more often. And don't stop the "wah, wah, wah". It's classic Larsen!

    You're totally right about ATM snails. There's only 2 options people- deposit or withdraw. Get on with it!

    Hand-drumming must stop! I work with a guy who does it all the time and it's infuriating. In a workplace it's also a dead give away that you're not doing any work, so be warned.

    Cursing like a sailor is fine, as long as you don't do it in the wrong place at the wrong time. As someone who was once demoted because of a "small" verbal tirade to a superior, I can personally attest to the importance of where and when...

  9. For the past several years, I've had the same resolution - improve my posture. There's a reason it's been the same for a couple years.

  10. Unfortunately, the "wah wah" thing was getting old when I was a first year! I prefer "awkward!" in a kind of high-pitched tone of voice. Or just say "lame!" I don't know - what would Jesus do?

    I have never eaten chips and pie at the same time, but the combination sounds delicious!

  11. Awkward!

    Yes, that is satisfying. I'm going with it.

    Pies and chips are unreal together. Wash it down with a Dr. Pepper and a beer.


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