Thank you, Kenora: the worst stand-up gig ever!

The steak was tough, but the crowd was tougher.

The worst stand-up show of my life? Thanks for asking. It was probably "the world Kenora tour" I did with Jason Beck, Trevor Boris, and Charlie Onskye back in...oh, I dunno, I've blocked it out of my mind.

The venue, which I can't find online, was a combination steakhouse, hotel, and bar. As we drove up to the place, we noticed a bottle-wielding man chasing a woman down the street. "Well, that's odd," we thought.

We should've just turned the car around and got some fries at the chip truck. However, like in any horror movie, we checked into the hotel, ate a terrible steak, and got ready to entertain the fine people of Kenora, who'd been getting ready for our show by drinking since 8 a.m.

Among Canadian comics, small-town shows are legendary for being awful. As comedian Derek Edwards once said, "Slave Lake is every bit as charming as she sounds." You learn early on that you should buy your own mic, stage, and spotlight, because the small-town club won't have any of these extravagances. You also become wise in the ways of small-town comedy tips, like "Never play a town with "Fort" in the name."

I've never understood the club owner with clubful of drunk people buying overpriced alcohol, who surveys his surroundings and thinks, "What this place needs is some comedians!" Yet, there are more of them than you'd think.

This particular establishment used a slightly raised wooden dance floor as a comedy stage. It was surrounded by drunk patrons on all four sides, ensuring that you would always have your back turned to one-quarter of the audience.

Among my comedy peers, I always made it a point of (misplaced) pride to go first, as if to say, "I don't need anyone to warm up a crowd for me, no matter how drunk or obnoxious the crowd, or I, may be." So, I took to the stage first. 

It became instantly clear that the crowd was loaded and not ready to listen to edumacated, geeky dudes in their 30s with receding hairlines and glasses. And so began the suckage.

I told only one joke that got a laugh. A well-dressed young woman walked in and I said, "Oooooh - just stopping by on your way home from Buckingham Palace?" The crowd laughed so hard, I felt bad for singling out the one person in the club who appeared to not be loaded. I should've said, "You're well-dressed. You're sober. You're not from Kenora!"

I still needed to fill 15 minutes, so I invited the crowd to come up and tell their own jokes. If you've ever seen a comic do this before, it's the comedy equivalent of lying down in the fetal position. It's desperate, hack, and sometimes it works!

The crowd, which had previously shown no interest in comedy, was much more interested when the comedy involved their drunk friends yelling obscenities into the mic. The owner watched from the bar, unimpressed. I imagined him thinking, "I paid these unfunny comics to be here, but I could've got these funnier, drunk guys for free?"

The crowd-participation part of the show ended when an audience member did an impression of The Rock. I gladly handed him the mic - like a cop giving up his revolver - and watched my remaining time tick away. I said good night, walked off the stage, and left my fellow comedians for dead.

The next morning, we woke up in our complimentary hotel rooms to discover that the owner had closed and locked an iron gate leading to the hotel exit. He was nowhere to be seen. We were locked in and serving an indefinite sentence, having been found guilty of being unfunny in the first degree.

We imagined the owner coming back to carry out the death penalty, so we left our hotel rooms through a window, slid down a drainpipe, ran to the car, and made our escape.

On the way out of town, we stopped for bags of chips. They tasted like freedom.

Tom Segura bombing at Rumor's - just like I did!

I've bombed there before.

By "there," I mean Rumor's Restaurant and Comedy Club in Winnipeg, where I used to be a regular host.

In theory, Rumor's paid me $40 and a meal to welcome the crowd, tell some jokes, and get everyone laughing and warmed up for the headliner. In practice, sometimes Rumor's paid me to welcome the crowd, tell some jokes, bomb horribly, and hide until everyone left the club and it was safe to come out again.

So, my heart goes out to comedian Tom Segura, a very funny American comic, who recently lived through an epic bomb at the same club. He recounts what happened in his podcast, above, while playing clips from the actual show. It's not for the timid. Generally speaking, you know something's gone horribly wrong when a comedy club manager approaches the stage and asks you if you're OK.

When you do well in comedy, you feel like James Cameron at the Oscars. When you do badly, you feel like Justin Bieber's eggs. So, it's awesome that Segura's so good natured about his experience, let alone even able to listen to it again. He blames the bombing on three factors: the club, the audience, and himself. Yeah, it pretty much takes a village to experience humiliation on this scale.

As I say, I've been there. Mercifully, I've never faced an angry mob, but I won't rule it out for the future. My most memorable bomb at Rumor's is the time I was onstage and noticed a table of people who wouldn't shut up during my act. I decided to handle the situation delicately: "Shut the eff up!" I yelled, though I may have actually said the full eff word.

I expected waves of laughter, and I got back waves of hate. Turns out that a wedding party was seated at that particular table, though the spotlight was so bright in my eyes, I didn't know it. The audience turned on a dime and, unlike Segura's group, shut up and sat in judgmental silence, like Tom Cruise in Magnolia. I didn't sleep for a few days.

I saw the same thing happen to Canadian comic John Wing at Rumor's when he suggested to a heckler that he wasn't exactly an MIT grad.

"What's that?," asked the heckler, proving the point.

"Massachusetts...Institute...of Technology!," yelled Wing. He left the stage a few minutes later to almost no applause. No one's ever won over a crowd by saying that they're dummies, except maybe Don Rickles.

Another time, Canadian comic Ron James stormed off the Rumor's stage and refused to come back until the club removed the idiot in the front row who was heckling him. That's the only time I've ever seen a patron removed from the club, if you don't count the amateur comic at the open mic who vomited onstage, ran out the door, and never came back.

Here's the problem; when someone in the audience is out of control, whose job is it to solve the problem: the comedian or the club? On one hand, any good comic prides him- or herself on the ability to control the room and handle bad things when they happen. On the other, what happens when there's someone in the audience who just won't shut up? Does the club have a responsibility to intervene at the horrible risk of not selling a few more pitchers of beer and tater tots?

In Canada, it's actually very rare for hecklers to yell stuff designed to destroy a show; most of them are just drunkards having a swell time and wanting to participate.

In Winnipeg, though, I think there's something special going on. Unlike America, where the audience tends to identify with the comedian onstage, we Winnipeggers tend to identify with our fellow audience members. "Hey, if you insult one person in the audience, you insult all of us!"

In that special way, we're close to each other if completely unsympathetic to the poor person boldly attempting to entertain us, the unentertainable. 

The next time Segura comes back to Rumor's, and I hope there will be a next time, let's do him a simple favor: leave the torches and pitchforks at home.

Tom Segura.

The hackiest ways to get laffs at a comedy club

Nothing hacky here. Move along. 

By now, everyone knows about my completely rational war on the word "unique" in ads.

It's not just that the word is lame, it's that it's "hack" - the word people "in the know" use to describe writing that's dull, unoriginal, done to death, or stupid.

If you really want to get into hacky hunting ground, though, advertising has nothing on stand-up comedy, where comedians pepper their speech with hack phrases like "hacky hunting ground" when they see other comedians perform hack material onstage, hack-on-hack style.

Here, then, is a collection of the hackiest ways to make an audience laugh at a comedy club:

1. "In other news..."

"California had more power blackouts yesterday. In other news, Roseanne microwaved some nachos."

Stand up isn't the fake news, and even if it was: this structure is hack hack hacky sack.

2. "I'm here all night."

Said after you realize a joke bombed, it will take the awkward silence and magnify it a zillionfold. Or, the audience will laugh, at which point you'll realize the joke that originally didn't get a laugh actually might've been a keeper.

3. Birthdays/anniversaries/out-of-town guests

What better way to tell the crowd, "I have no more material" than by going to it for "found" material, which may remain missing in action. "You're from Saskatchewan? Watch out, folks, if the Coco Puffs turn brown, he'll burn you for witchcraft."

I once said, "Would anyone here like to tell a joke?" which is worse. But, seriously, would you like to tell a joke?

4. The 50/50 rule

Here's another one I did myself, ad nauseam. Sorry. "I'm half (blank) and half (blank), which means (blank)."

5. "That's my time."

You have no ending to your act, so you cry, "That's my time" and run off to a smattering of applause. Instead, try ending with a hilarious joke and run off to laughter.

6. The differences between men and women

"The toilet seat. Am I right, ladies?"

7. Penis/masturbation material

Every year, I get two or three male students in comedy-writing class who think they have incredibly original material on their penis and how they like to masturbate. They don't.

8. Car jokes

"I drive a (blank), which is (country of origin) for crap." e.g. Toyota, Japanese. Mix and match for best results.

9. Local material

"What are you guys from Transcona? That's six bus transfers!"

Reminds me of the time a young Russell Peters came to Rumors and did material about Etobicoke. Ahhh...those were the days!

10. References more than five years old

"You went to med school? Who are you - Dr. Kildare?"

11. "I get paid for this, people."

Positioning yourself as a professional comedian and creative genius to the unwashed masses in the audience means you're neither.

12. "I remember my first drink too."

And any of the million stock lines designed to deal with drunk folk.

13. Mimicking sign language.

Because it's great to tell your audience that it must be deaf and/or stupid to not love your comedy.

14. "Jaws of life"

Put in the punchline of any medical joke, "jaws of life" shows the crowd that you're not just a great comedian, but that you also might know a thing or two about medicine.

15. Mawkish applause appeals

Encouraging the audience to applaud at the end of your set because a) you have or have had an illness b) you have a relative with an illness c) we're all stuck on this crazy rock together, and it's good we can get together to have a laugh d) at your last show, the crowd gave you a standing ovation.

16. Racial jokes

Making fun of your own race: hilarious. Making fun of other races: racist.

17. Impressions

"Thank you. That was Sean Connery, everyone."

18. Stealing material. 

It's not sharing, it's copyright infringement and plagiarism. Oh, sorry: that's my time!

All hail the kings and queens of CreCommedy Nights '12

Chortle.

CreCommedy Nights '12 at Rumor's were a raging success as 32 of Red River College's funniest and bravest students took to the stage to perform stand-up comedy for the first time.

Special thanks to former students Cara Lytwyn and Dan Verville for sharing host and emcee duties, to CreComm students, grads, and friends who stopped by to watch and judge the big show, and to Rumor's for allowing us to crash the place.

People's choice awards

Our two panels of judges have spoken and selected these comics as our top six of the night:

1. Mark McAvoy
2. Mitch Kruse
3. Kate Slimmon
4. Amy Tuckett
5. Matt Williams
6. Megan Merasty

Each of these hilarious people earned a 17/20 or higher from the judging panel - a feat within itself.

See you in one year at Rumor's.

13 ways stand-up comedy ruins you for work

Work is funny, but not ha-ha funny.

On one hand, almost everything good that's ever happened to me at work happened because of stand-up comedy. The bottom line is that after trying to make people laugh onstage, everything else is a cinch.

On the other hand, work rewards a certain kind of person and stand-up comedy rewards a certain kind of person, and it's usually not the same person. When's the last time you saw a Fortune 500 CEO precede an important corporate announcement with a well-timed pratfall?

After I'd written most of this post, I caught this episode of Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" in which he bounces the same idea off of Joel Hodgson. The discussion:

Seinfeld: "The idea of bosses and employees is just hilarious to us. Why is that so funny?"
Hodgson: "We don't have to do it, right?"
Seinfeld: "It's such a typically human attempt to organize what's unorganizable. We just see the hopelessness of trying to organize human endeavor into a building."

I teach for a living, which means that I can use many of the same techniques that work in stand-up comedy in the classroom. However, when class is out and it's time for meetings and desk work, I have a vague burning in the back of my skull telling me that, in the words of Adam Carolla, I may not be Taco Bell material.

I blame stand-up. Here's why:

1. You get used to saying what's on your mind.

Comedy is about finding the truth. Where "objective journalism" aims for some semblance of the truth and rarely finds it, stand-up comedy always finds the truth, because it's all about what's true to you, balance be damned. The best stand-ups find the places where what's true to them isn't what's true to the audience, and try to bring the audience around to the same viewpoint. The best employees do the opposite.

2. You get used to saying it with colorful language.

As Spencer Tracy says in Inherit the Wind:

“I don’t swear just for the hell of it. Language is a poor enough means of communication. I think we should use all the words we’ve got. Besides, there are damn few words that anybody understands.”

Your boss hasn't read, watched, or heard of Inherit the Wind.

3. You get used to reacting without thinking. 

Ad client: "I hate your creative."
Ad copywriter: "I hate you."

Hilarious stuff in the club - not quite as hilarious in the boardroom.

4. You laugh at things that other people don't find funny.

Comedians find jokes everywhere, even at funerals. So imagine how funny life is at the workplace, where pet peeves grow into full-fledged battles that last longer than most wars. Trouble is, the folks embroiled in these antagonisms rarely see the humor. So the next time Martha blows a gasket when someone steals her stapler, have the decency to laugh behind her back.

5. If you're not talking, you're bored.

Comics have trouble watching other comics onstage because they feel in their heart of hearts they should be up there. At work, the boss always has the floor. To a stand-up comic, this is the equivalent of the comedian who owns the comedy club: he or she gets all of the stage time, even if the jokes are terrible.

6. If someone in a position of authority tells you what to do, your default setting is to do the opposite.

For "the boss/employee" structure to work, everyone has to agree that the boss is the boss and the employees' best course of action is to do what the boss says. In comedy, if someone tells you that a joke is off limits, that's the place your mind constantly goes. The feeling only goes away after you inevitably go there. I give you Kramer and Daniel Tosh.

7. You like attention. 

In comedy, you succeed by getting noticed. At work, you succeed by not getting noticed.

8. You build friendships with the same kind of people as you. 

Familiarity leads to contempt, contempt leads to anger, anger leads to misery, misery loves company.  So, you team up with those people and become more emboldened about the things that bug you. Before you know it, you're firing cannons, shooting pistols, and screaming, "Storm the Bastille!"

9. You become used to immediate gratification. 

• Comedy: You write a joke, you tell it, and you get a laugh. Total time elapsed: one hour. 
• Work: You write an ad, you get the client to approve it, you get legal to approve it, you buy space to run it, and it runs. Total time elapsed: one year.

10. Your body needs rest after just one hour's work.

Build the George Costanza bed under your desk today. 

11. You groan out loud when you hear a cliche.

Yesterday's "happy camper" is today's "awesome sauce." In comedy, you try to say things in a way that "a normal person" would never say them. Since work is full of normal people, you must regularly resist the urge to roll your eyes when someone inevitably goes there and someone else inevitably says, "Don't go there, girlfriend!" 

12. You'd rather deal with the awful truth than fanciful phoniness.

When someone is direct, you know where he or she stands right away. In comedy, you have to be direct or you'll lose your audience's attention. But when you're direct at work, people can actually understand what you're saying, and that can get you in trouble. This is why it's rare to have actual discourse in the workplace without a good helping of passive sentences and vagueries on the side.

13. You know that none of it really matters, because one day you'll be dead.

Doctor: "You only have three days to live."
Patient: "I'm going straight to work, because every day feels like a year." 

Just For Laughs is just for losers - like me!

"You won!"

Whenever the Just For Laughs Festival gets closer, I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if a million voices laughed out and were suddenly silenced.

If the Winnipeg Fringe Festival is "the uncle who paid my way through school but molested me," the Just For Laughs Festival is the same uncle without the cash.

I've been in the Just For Laughs homegrown showcase a few times. It was (and still is?) a regional competition for stand-up comics to outfunny each other in the hopes of winning the chance to perform at the Montreal festival and become "Canadian famous," also known as "one step away from the witness relocation program."

Glen Foster had a joke about performing at a Just For Laughs showcase. He'd say something like, "There was a hyper comic, a weird comic, and a comic who did impressions - and I was the funny comic." Ba-boom!

His point, I think, is that Just For Laughs is more about high concept than about "being funny" per se, and I think everyone in the competition knows the score: you might win, but not if there's a one-armed unicyclist who can tell jokes with his hair on fire.

The year I had my best showing, the competition was hosted by Shaun Majumder, a very nice guy and an attitude adjustment over the previous year's Harland Williams, a very funny guy onstage who showed up backstage looking like maybe he'd lost a bet with a bonhomme.

I was up third - a sweet spot! - had a better-than-average show, hugged Mr. Majumder for luck on my way offstage, and watched the other comics go up one by one. They were good, and there was no high concept to be found among them.

When it was all over, I felt pretty good about my chances, but knew enough not to get my hopes up. But as we waited for the results, the now-most-famous-comic-in-the-world-who-wasn't-famous-then Russell Peters slid over and whispered in my ear:

"You won."

I immediately started planning my trip to Montreal. "How many baguettes should I take with me?"

About 10 minutes later, the judges appeared onstage to announce the winner. I prepared myself to get my birthright, and the announcer mispronounced my name so badly, it sounded like another guy completely. Because it was another guy.

That dude bounced up to the stage, got his laurel and hardy handshake, and Russell Peters slid over again and whispered:

"The judges decided to give it to the guy from Saskatchewan."

If there's a lesson to be learned from this experience, I think it's this: never trust Just For Laughs, Russell Peters, or Saskatchewan. So there!

 

Mothers, don't let your comics open for rappers

Fresh IE meets student Mike Trakalo. 

An emcee should never open for an MC. 

While it was a delight to see husband and wife Fresh IE (Rob Wilson) and Sheila North Wilson at Red River College a couple of weeks ago, it brought back the time I opened for Fresh IE at the Manitoba Theatre for Young People. Shudder.

If you think that the audience for a Grammy-nominated rapper would be happy to see a white, aged comedian with ironic glasses and an non-ironic receding hairline tell Scooby-Doo jokes, then you're thinking exactly like me when I accepted the gig.

I've blurred out most of what happened at the big event, but I recall looking out into the audience and thinking, "Boy, Fresh IE sure has lots of young, female fans." So I started mentally cutting jokes until all I had was the handful that I'd written especially for the occasion.

I'd forgotten what the jokes were, until I found this scrap of paper in a drawer the other day:

The dessert list, madam.

The jokes:

• I once opened for a Jewish rapper: Fresh Oy Vey.
• I once opened for a farmer rapper: Fresh EIEIO.
• I once opened for a baker rapper: Pillsbury Poppin' Fresh IE.
• I once opened for a homeless rapper: Not So Fresh IE.

Thank you. Good night!

It's a sketchy day in the neighborhood

Sketchy.

Of course, I'm talking about my Flip Video technique and inability to laugh away from the mic, not this year's CreCommedy class making a group of invited dignitaries from other classes (and each other) laugh with their sketch-writing and acting prowess.

All hail the king and queen of CreCommedy Night '11

Hi Ho Cherry-O! Brea Perrelli tears up the room. 

Snort. 

CreCommedy Night '11 at Rumor's was a raging success this year, as 28 of Red River College's funniest and bravest students took to the stage to perform stand-up comedy for the first time.

That was my cue to look into the camera with a serious face and say, "Funny." 

Special thanks to Cara Lytwyn who tore up the room as our host and emcee, to all of the CreComm grads and friends who stopped by to watch and judge the big show, and to Rumor's for allowing us to crash the place.

People's choice awards

Our panel of 10 judges has spoken and selected these comics as our top five of the night: 

1. Dylan Hughes

2. Mike Tanasychuk

3. Adam Campbell

4. Brea Perrelli

5. Andrew Parker. 

Pale, gangly, specter Dylan Hughes.

Forgive my snorts and guffaws into the camera. I know it's bad. I'm working on it. Snort.

Well done all. Incidentally, the point spread is less than six marks out of 20, from highest to lowest. A squeaker that attests to the quality of the show.

A DVD of the evening's festivities will be available shortly. Watch this blog for more details. 

See you next year.

Last chance to buy advance CreCommedy Night tix

Former comedy-writing student, current big-time comic Dan Verville. 

The time is running out to buy advance CreCommedy Night tickets. The big event takes place at Rumor's on Monday, Nov. 7, 2011.

Advance tickets are available until Thursday morning from me, Kenton Larsen, comedy promoter, esq. After that, all tickets must be purchased at the door on the night of the performance.

The night features 28 of Red River College's funniest Creative Communications students making their stand-up comedy debut - three hilarious minutes of material each.

Doors open at 6:45 p.m., show starts at 8 p.m.

Buy early. Buy often.

CreCommedy Night hits Rumor's on Monday, Nov. 7

Don't let the spelling fool you. 

CreCommedy Night (correct spelling!) is coming to Rumor's on Monday, Nov. 7, 2011 (not 2012, though that's futuristic and cool). 

The night features 28 of Red River College's funniest Creative Communications students making their stand-up comedy debut - three hilarious minutes of material each.

Doors open at 6:45 p.m., show starts at 8 p.m. Tickets are $10 and available at the door on the night of the performance and in advance from me. Don't forget to tip your teacher. 

CreCommedy Night hits Rumor's on Nov. 7

 Telling some jokes, just like Gilbert Gottfried did. 

The heart pounds, the palms sweat, the knees knock. You gasp for air. Finally, you walk toward the light.

Death is easy, stand-up comedy is hard.

But you don't have to tell that to Red River College's funniest Creative Communications students, who will be making their stand-up comedy debut at CreCommedy Night on Monday, Nov. 7 at Rumor's.

The big night features 28 of my comedy writing students doing three minutes of material each, bookended by host Cara Lytwyn and headliner Dan Verville, two successful comedy-writing grads in their own right.

Doors open at 7 p.m., show starts at 8 p.m. Tickets cost $10 and will be available at the door and in advance (info TBA).

A splendid time is guaranteed for all. 

What if I get heckled?! (Silence)

What's the scariest thing about performing stand-up comedy?

Ask a first-time comic, and I'll bet he or she will tell you: "I don't want to get heckled!"

It's true: being heckled sucks. But there's something worse than heckling, and it's far more prevalent in Canada: silence.

Cricket, cricket.
 
Take off, eh!

"The heckler" is by and large an American invention, like cars, fast food, and illegal wars.

In Canada, hecklers are a much less-aggressive species that usually fall into one of two categories:

1. The drunk guy (it's always a guy) who doesn't realize how obnoxious he's being. 

These guys are pretty easy to shut down. You simply make an alcohol joke, everybody laughs, and he passes out.

2. The guy (see?) who's having such a good time, he wants to"help you out" by shouting out his agreement. 

Strictly speaking, this isn't a heckler. Hecklers try to ruin your show on purpose, whereas these fine fellows ruin your show accidentally.

Usually, you deal with these guys by simply shaking their hand or patting them on the head - the physical contact is a reminder that, no, this isn't the Comedy Channel, and, yes, it's time to move on.

It's not really worth an insult, since these guys love you so much, it might damn well kill them. 

Killing me quietly

At a stand-up comedy show, Canadians become as introverted and withdrawn as your average Graphic Design class - they really don't want to talk to you, be noticed by you, or be made fun of in any way.

So, they tend to sit further away from the stage if they can, don't make eye contact, and - if a joke doesn't meet with their approval - sit silently until you say one that does.

I've seen seasoned comics - Derek Edwards comes to mind - construct an elaborate pyramid of hilarity onstage, tell one joke that doesn't sit well with the audience, and go tumbling back down to the base.

To a less-seasoned comic, it can be jarring. Canadians are supposed to be so polite: why won't  they laugh?

Not to worry: at the end of the show, the Canadian audience will lose its inhibitions, shake your hand, look you in the eyes, and say, "It takes a lot of guts to do comedy!"

I'll take the heckler.

Mr. Fantastic and the joke that never got a laugh

Mr. Fantastic. Funny. 

Buy the premise, buy the bit.

One of the oldest rules of comedy usually holds true, but only once in my long and checkered, I mean distinguished, career as a stand-up comic did a joke defy this law.

The joke - a mildly risque observation about Mr. Fantastic - would get laughs at the end of the setup, but when it came to the punchline? Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I enlisted the help of my comedian friends. That didn't work, so I got the help of my non-comedian friends. That didn't work, so I asked my enemies. They just beat me up.

So, with that in mind, here is the joke with a blank where the punch - the funny - should be.

The joke:

The setup: 

When I was a kid, all I wanted was to be a superhero. Not just any hero. I wanted to be Mr. Fantastic, leader of the Fantastic Four. Mr. Fantastic was cool, because he could stretch any part of his body into whatever length, width, or shape he desired. So he did what any guy with that power would do. He fought crime.

The punch:

Oh, come on. If I had that power, I'd be hanging out at parties. Just waiting for people to inevitably ask, "Why do they call you Mr. Fantastic?"

And I'd say (casual pose, holding mock drink), "I'm standing here talking to you, right? Well, three blocks away, I'm ___________________. (Take sip of mock drink.)

Probably my favorite discarded punchline is, "Doing it with Betty and Veronica." Nope: that didn't work either.

Any ideas? Remember: I don't work blue (aka "dirty") and we're aiming for "Ha, ha, ha!" not "Ewwww...." Do tell.

Ten things that crossed my mind at last night's Steve Martin show

1. The Jerk sure can play the banjo.

2. They've finally created a man whiter than me.

3. Actor? Check. Author? Check. Comedian? Check. Playing bluegrass music in Winnipeg on a Wednesday night? Check.

4. Seinfeld has about one month to learn the Irish harp.

5. The show is half over, and his penis hasn't said word one.

6. Someone sitting behind me doesn't like my Groucho glasses and mock arrow-through-the-head novelties? Well, excuuuuuuuuse me.

7. Steve Martin Short Stop Sign Language Arts. Gawd, I miss Chain Reaction.

8. Seriously - a jet fighter humping a maple leaf?

9. Steve is my most favorite of all the Martins: Ricky, Andrea, Dean, Billy, St., Sheen, and Purple.

10. Great show, even if he didn't play my favorite song:

Bonus! 11. I hope @pensato is enjoying looking straight into the back of my head.

Is it ever OK to say, "That's so gay?"

Is this OK?

When I was a kid, I probably heard someone say, "That's so gay" two or three times a day. I'm not sure if I ever said it myself. 

But times change, and when I hear someone say it "in real life" now - along with "That's so retarded" - I think, "Oh, please. They still make you?!"

But are there ever exceptions?

Ally training

I recently attended ALLY training at Red River College, which is an initiative to ensure that LGBTT individuals have a safe and inclusive place in the classroom and aren't marginalized because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. 

When you've taken the course, you're an "ALLY" in that you declare your support for LGBTT individuals and work toward creating more inclusive and safe places.  

It's a great class led by great teachers. The discussion is wide ranging and blunt, including whether it's ever OK to say, "That's so gay."

Not surprisingly, most attendees said, "No, it's not OK."

At least one attendee said she finds the expression funny in an ironic sense, and would say it among her friends - straight and gay - knowing that none of them actually meant what they were saying (perhaps not unlike the clip from the 40 Year Old Virgin at the top of this post).

The course leader suggested that it's better not to say it, but also pointed out that there are two schools of thought on the issue:

1. You should never say it under any circumstances, because you don't have to say it and it hurts people when you do.
2. You should say it, thereby reclaiming the expression and removing its power to hurt and offend.

Can a comic say anything?

I then asked the question: what if a comedian says, "That's so gay" in an ironic sense, onstage? Again, most attendees said "no," until I mentioned Sarah Silverman and some agreed that she might be an exception.

Sarah Silverman's act is steeped in irony, so does that make the jokes OK?

What about Louis C.K., who has taken flack for this bit in which he uses the word, "faggot?"

C.K. explains the bit to NPR:

"I had a conversation with [openly gay comedian Rick Crom] about [the slur.] I asked him about it. He didn't lecture me or say you shouldn't say it. He just said 'If you're interested, it's totally devastating.' And he gave me that information. And I never forgot it. I was about 22. I have said [the slur] a number of times since then. But I know what I'm saying. I know what it means now."

"I've done material about gay and heterosexual differences since I started stand-up, because it's one of the most unsettled and most - it's one of the most divisive things in American culture right now, that line between gay and heterosex[uality.]

To me, I love being on that line and talking about it. And I think when you do that, you have to use all of the words and go to every extreme. I think that's what comedy is about. Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it."

Do you buy it?

Tracy Morgan got in trouble for his comments recently, but Lisa Lampanelli is celebrated for her extreme comedy - bashing her audience with racist and homophobic insults, like Don Rickles or Joan Rivers before her, and whose audience considers it a privilege to be at the receiving end of the barrage:

As a teacher and good-hearted citizen, I understand why no one could or should say what these comics say in real life.

As a sometime standup comic, I also know that irony can be a powerful force for good by expressing the opposite of what you know to be true.

But what if your boneheaded audience doesn't get that you're being ironic and thinks it's awesome to do what you do? Do you then have a responsibility to censor yourself?

What do you think?

Why isn't Talking Funny on HBO Canada?

Email from HBO Canada:

Dear Kenton,

I would like to thank you for your e-mail.  Here at HBO Canada, it is always a pleasure to hear from our subscribers and to address any questions or concerns that you may have.

Unfortunately, "Talking Funny" is no longer on our current schedule.

We were in talks with the producers of "Talking Funny" a few months back, and we were confident that he had acquired the broadcast rights to the comedy special. We were informed late last month that the rights were no longer available and we had to immediately remove it from our schedule. Although we have removed all mention of "Talking Funny" from our website, it is still reflected in Movie Entertainment magazine. Movie Entertainment magazine is put to press 2 months early, so unfortunately it was too late to remove the listing.

We apologize for any disappointment or confusion this may have caused you. Regardless, I have forwarded your comments to our Programming department for review.

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail us.  If you have any further questions, concerns, or comments regarding The Movie Network, please feel free to contact us by e-mail or toll free at 1-877-426-5551.  A Customer Care Representative is available to take your call Monday through Friday from 9am to 9pm EST, and Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 5pm EST. 

Sincerely,

Customer Care Representative

There is no off position on the Genius Switch

 Mr. Hackett: inventor of the Genius Switch.

I'm no genius, but I've got a Genius Switch.

And so do you!

In stand-up comedy there's a name for the Genius Switch: your "monitor" - the degree to which you are engaged in "the moment" while you're onstage.

Invented by "hilarious" comedian Buddy Hackett, a monitor score of 10 means that you're living completely in the moment, at one with your brain and audience.

A score of zero means your mouth is moving and words are coming out, but you're thinking about all of your personal problems, and no one is engaged in what you're saying, least of all you. Like when I teach!

I, me, mine, monitor

I once had the distinct honor to perform stand-up at the U of M in front of a group of drunk and disinterested students - my favorite kind!

As I neared what was surely going to be a hilarious punchline, a chunk of the audience stood up and headed to the door, knocking over chairs on their way.

I felt my ears get hot, and suddenly my mouth blurted out - with no participation from my brain whatsoever - "F--- you!"

Monitor score: 10

When comics attack: in praise of Gervais @ the Golden Globes

"What? All I said was, "Angelina Jolie is a plastic freak with no talent!"

Go Ricky! Go Ricky!

"As a comic in all seriousness," it's bizarre to ponder the hostility directed at Ricky Gervais for his emceeing gig at Sunday's 68th Golden Globes Awards; the general agreement among critics and viewers seems to be that Gervais was "mean," "disrespectful," and "not funny."

At this point, everyone knows what he said: Charlie Sheen hires hookers, Mel Gibson shouldn't drink so much, Tom Cruise (or is it John Travolta?) is lying about his sexual orientation, Tim Allen is washed up, the cast of Sex and the City is airbrushed on the movie posters, the Golden Globes hands out awards based on bribes, etc.

"The star-filled international ballroom at the Beverly Hilton Hotel" was not overly impressed, as evidenced by the (mostly) unsmiling stares, "Ooohs," and occasional angry retort - pretty much proving Gervais' point: actors are self-important jerks.

Critics, of course, get paid to criticize, but "the regular people" defending the celebrities remind me a lot of "the regular people" who were recently against "tax cuts for the wealthy" in the U.S. - let the millionaires defend themselves!

As my therapist friend once said to me, "Does a lion need anyone to defend it in the jungle?"

Some more thoughts on "the controversy:"

1. The Golden Globes are mostly irrelevant anyway, and the organizers should be grateful for whatever "post-awards talk" they can get. When's the last time the Globes had "buzz?

2. As Letterman - famous for never being invited back to host the Oscars - asked on the Late Show last night, "When did this all become so sacred?" In other words: where's the memo that says that celebrities are off limits?

3. Folks should get a sense of humor. I saw one person on TV speculate that Ricky Gervais was actually under the impression that Bruce Willis is Ashton Kutcher's dad. Uh, no: it was a joke!

4. Like with any comic who's supposedly "off color," people tend to embellish what the comedian has actually said. Remember Sarah Palin saying that Letterman told a joke about her child being raped? Oh, sure. Likewise, Gervais never said that Tom Cruise was gay: that's what people who saw it are saying.

5. We always hear that America is the most free and open country in the world. But a beer-guzzling Brit can show up, tell a few jokes, and shock it to the very core?

7. Sarcasm, and dark wit in general, is celebrated in England and rarely works in America. As a drunk guy in a British pub once said to me, "Enjoy England. I don't."

8. In North America, it's a great sin to insult someone. It should be "not having a comeback" or - even worse - "not being able to take the joke."

9. Why would you hire Gervais if you didn't want him to be like Gervais?

I saw Gervais tape his HBO stand-up special in New York a few years ago (I took the blurry photo, above, at the taping), in which he reiterated the Richard Gere/hamster urban legend, and told jokes about a British anti-rape ad campaign, God's existence, and the first guy who contracted AIDS (given the choice between admitting to having sex with a monkey or eating a monkey, both man and monkey agree: "I ate 'em.").

 When an alligator - or a comic - bites, no one should be surprised. It's what they do.

Funny makes the world go around at CreCommedy Night #2

The hilarious Ms. Henderson.

One good punch in the gut deserves another.

It was another great night of CreCommedy laffs at the King's Head tonight, as the second and, sadly, last group of Creative Communications students from my Comedy Writing class performed to a packed pub.

Congratulations to all of the night's performers - you did a kick-ass job, and you should all be proud!

Our judges were clearly blown away, as evidenced by their comments on the ratings sheets (update: top-three comics posted below).

Special thanks to our headliner, the always awesome Cara Lytwyn, and event organizer Matt Cohen and the advertising majors.

I'll be posting short clips from the night on YouTube over the next, few days.

In anticipation, here's a quick clip from my mother's favorite comic of the night, Sean Angus (sorry for laughing into the mic again...hee haw!):



DVDs from both CreCommedy Nights will be available for purchase soon - and make perfect holiday gifts for grandma. Watch this blog for more info!

***Update!!

Top three comics of the night, as rated by our panel of 12 judges, good and true:

1. Jeremy Giacomin
2. Maeghan Heinrichs/Sean Angus (tie!)