Five great and awful things about Coachella 2013

After years of complaining and threatening to leave Lollapalooza behind, this year I finally put my money where my mouth is and went to Coachella instead.

My beefs with Lolla are well documented in the above link, but it essentially comes down to too many people in an enclosed space and arseholes pushing and shoving their way to get as close to Mumford as they possibly can.

However, Lolla is in Chicago - I love Chicago and a bit of my heart broke thinking that I wouldn't see it this year. Coachella is in Palm Springs. I'd never been to Palm Springs, but anyplace that's good enough for Bob Hope and Dinah Shore can't be all bad, right?

So off I went with great music and great music conditions as my quest. My Coachella report: 

The Great

1. The music

Lest we forget, these festivals are all about the music. Basically, I just want to see some bands I love and/or have never seen before, and discover some I should love or have seen before. Easy!

You can't beef the Coachella line-up: a solid mix of bands from the present and days gone by.  

Sparks channeling Buster Brown. 

Lou Reed cancelled because of something about needing a new liver, but I'd seen him before at Lollapalooza and so many other bands made up for it.

Among my new discoveries are Japandroids, a great Canadian rock band that I didn't know was Canadian until they thanked all the Canadians, and Palma Violets - a kick-ass punky-pop band from England that I would gladly travel and pay to see again.

It was also awesome to see Lee Scratch Perry with a mirror on his crotch (so he could stop scratching?), the reunited Specials, and Paul McCartney's son, James, who is so humble, he makes his dad look like a fame-hungry bastard: dude just strummed his last song, walked away, turned around and managed a half-wave goodbye.

I also enjoyed Hot Chip (the best synth band in the world?), Yeah Yeah Yeahs (with the choir!), Franz Ferdinand (they've still got it!) and the Stone Roses, particularly Ian Brown's tambourine playing, which follows an interesting model: 1. Pick up two tambourines. 2. Hold both of your arms up in the air. 2. Keep them there forever.

The disappointments? Blur phoned it in, Rodriguez looked to be on death's door (he needed two people to walk him out, and didn't appear to be singing at times), and New Order - one of my all-time favorite bands who were actually upstaged by OMD and Sparks from the same era (more on that in a bit).

2. The weather

You leave Winnipeg and it's cold. You arrive in Palm Springs, and the airport has tents for a roof. Sweet. 

3. The accommodations and shuttle buses

I bought my Coachella tickets as part of one of its travel packages, which included accommodations at the Westin Mission Hills Golf Resort and Spa and shuttle bus passes to the concert. The hotel was awesome, the pool was more awesome, and the shuttle buses showed up on time and got us there in less than an hour (and one of the drivers was reluctant to say he was from Canada, and ruled out Toronto, Montreal, or Vancouver. We a know a Winnipegger when we see one!).

All told, the whole vacation is about $1,200 a person - not bad at all, though you need at least two people to get the deal. 

4. The public art

This deserves a special shout-out from number 5, because the public art at Coachella really is super-cool, except for that one, giant snail on wheels that kept showing up in front of stages and pushing people out of the way.

For instance, here's the Coachella Power Station: if you look closely, you can see hippos working feverishly to make it all happen.

There's more where that comes from, and it's all pretty darn lovely and impressive. 

5. The festival grounds

Not as cramped or oversold as Lolla. However, you are in the middle of the desert and have to contend with...oh, I'll just get to the awful. 

The Awful

1. The whooping cough o'sand/no shade

In the middle of the desert, you inhale a vast amount of sand even when you don't know you're doing it. So, about halfway through the first day you start coughing, and by the end of the third day, you have black lung.

Shade is hard to come by at Lollapalooza, but it's non-existent at Coachella. Irony of ironies: every Canadian in the place prayed for snow.

2. The sound spillage

Probably the biggest problem at Coachella is that the stages are too close together, and you can hear sound from one when you're watching a band at another.

I once complained about the sound from Soundgarden spilling over Arcade Fire at Lollapalooza, but that was nothing compared to the sound spillage at Coachella. You can't escape it. I was frankly surprised that more artists didn't beef about it from the stage, so it was left to Bernard Sumner from New Order to carry the torch for pissed-off artists and fans everywhere.

Implying that the music coming from the other stage was 1. Too loud and 2. Bad, he and the band did their best to play through their set, but you could tell it was a struggle. At the end, Sumner said, "I hope Coachella will have us back" - so maybe that's the deal: don't complain, and we'll have you back.

The festival is on a massive site, so why the tents are so close together and artists like, say, Rodriguez, have to compete with 1,000 bpm coming from the dance tent, is beyond me. 

3. The tiny music tents

If there's 100,000 people at Coachella, and New Order is a top-billed band playing at the end of the night, then why is it playing a tent that holds about 1,000 people? Recipe for disaster...

4. The pushing and shoving

Like Lollapalooza, no one plants themselves in front of a stage and waits to see their favorite band anymore. No, they wait till the last minute and shove their way to the front. The worst offenders: two girls who crawled their way to the front for Rodriguez, and the Patton Oswalt-looking dude who shoved and farted his way to the front of New Order, and then expected everyone around him to be happy to see him. Totally lame.

You try to stop someone from cutting in, and guess who gets called "arsehole?" Nice. 

5. The food

It's not as good as Lollapalooza (hint: Lolla is in Chicago). As well, you're in the middle of the desert, can't bring anything into the festival with you, and there's no nearby competition, which means it costs $30 for a milkshake (yeah, I'm exaggerating, but it's totally expensive).

***

So, the two festivals are similar for reasons good and bad. However, I did come face-to-face with Paris Hilton at Coachella, so I have to give it a slight edge over Lolla for that alone.

See you next year, Coachella. We'll always have Paris!

Lollapalooza turns 20, my sneakers die at two

Find Muse in this photo. 

After last year's oversold Lollapalooza fiasco, I vowed to never go back. 

Long story short: I went back.

The pull for me this year was the Big Audio Dynamite reunion - fronted by the Clash's Mick Jones - enough for me to get down off my high horse, put last year's bad vibes behind me, and take the 20th anniversary of the iconic music festival for another spin.

Organized by Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction, this is the fourth time I've attended the festival, and the third in Chicago's Grant Park, where it now makes its home.

My observations: 

1. Coldplay vs. Muse

There are always great bands at Lollapalooza. The issue is that they always play at the same time.

This year's battle of the titans was Coldplay versus Muse. Unlike the bulk of the crowd, I chose Muse and was happy I did - they're my pick for the best performance of the festival. I now can say with certitude that those are not my underpants (Weiner jokes never get old) and I know exactly what it would be like if Queen and Rush jammed on Mars.

Muse frontman Matt Bellamy gave Coldplay a dig during the set: "Thank you for coming to see us. We realize you had options. You chose the right one." 

2. Eminem vs. Beirut vs. My Morning Jacket vs. Pretty Lights

In a bout of counter-programming diarrhea, these four bands played at the same time.

I walked back and forth between Eminem and Beirut; I was about a mile back from Eminem, but I saw him play "Stan" and sing with Bruno Mars and Skylar Gray, so it's all good, girlfriend.

Pity poor Beirut: he has some great tunes that would captivate any audience in a fancy theatre on a Friday night. On an outdoor stage, sandwiched between Eminem and My Morning Jacket? Good luck, tiny man with a tiny band.

Like last year, overlapping sound was a big problem at this year's fest. Let it be said that Beirut is not best enjoyed with indie jam rock blaring in one year and white-boy rap booming in the other. 

3. Battle for worst band: OK Go vs. Cee Lo Green

In this corner: Cee lo green's setful o' awkward pauses and technical problems - and the man pulled the plug with time to spare. The T-shirts that say, "Cee Lo says, Fuck You" may have hit a little too close to the mark.

In this corner: OK Go's brutally boring vanilla rock.

The winner for worst band: Cee Lo, thanks to OK Go's big save on the last song, "This Too Will Pass." Still: based on what came before, that song has to be a fluke. And no Rube Goldberg cameo?

4. Gatecrashers special

Despite more fencing and a three-level security check on the way in - wristband check, frisking station, and electronic scanner - gatecrashing remains a problem. One middle-aged woman told me she paid a security guard $20 to "use the restroom." Yet, she'd somehow found her way to the Eminem show. Go figure. 

Overall, crowd flow seemed a bit better this year, with food and merch moving to Columbus Drive - the main thoroughfare - and the addition of more picnic tables at which to sit and moan about sore feet.

Note in the photo below - the massive crowd that starts at the festival gate and goes on along Columbus Drive forever:

5. Eminem fans not so BAD

The BAD reunion was my raison d'etre, but I didn't expect the massive crowd I found awaiting the band's performance.

Upon closer inspection, many of them looked suspiciously like Eminem fans. Turns out that Eminem fans are clinically insane: the die-hards stood and waited at the Music Unlimited Stage for upward of eight hours in 35-degree heat, though Fitz and the Tantrums, BAD, and Cee Lo.

Eminem fans also win the prize for being the nicest ever: the young guys at the front of the stage gladly let us stand up front for BAD's performance and only made fun of Mick Jone's British accent a couple of times ("fank you!").

A big thanks to the very nice, young men who restored my faith in a generation I thought to be mostly made up of rioters and hooligans.

6. Do you like pina colada? 

I do, but I like pina colada smoothies even more. Nicely done, food services.

7. Young girls love Christina Perri 

And they will take you down in their desire to get to the stage to see her. 

8. New word: Bandnesia

I was so excited to see BAD, I had trouble remembering the songs when the band was finished playing. That's why I had to drive to Minneapolis the next day to see them again.

9. Five crazy moments

1. A guy barfs up beer, takes another swig from the beer bottle, passes pukey beer bottle to girlfriend, she takes a swig too.

2. America makes a drunken, late-night phone call to China to ask for help with the debt ceiling.

 3. A woman asks me when BAD is playing right after the band finishes playing on the stage right in front of her.

4. A guy barfs up beer on the ground, people show up to watch the next band, sit down in the barf.

5. Five or six guys from Winnipeg, all wearing their new Winnipeg Jets T-shirts, momentarily chanting "Go Jets Go!"

10. Fashion watch

Young guys are wearing more plaid; young girls are wearing more shorts that ride up the butt, so they can spend the entire day awkwardly yanking them out.

11. Worth the price of admission alone

The Chicago skyline at night.

12. Cool festival promos

A toss-up: the Google+ tent with Google+ fans blowing on my Google+ bald head, the Lollapalooza Instagram contest, or the Toyota "made you get in our car" tent:

13. Other fine bands

White Lies, Chain Gang of 1974, Two Door Cinema Club.

14. Funniest stage banter

"The Irish should never really stand in the sun. And I'm a ginger, so it's even worse." - Alex Trimble, Two Door Cinema Club

15. deadmau5? Try dead feet, son.

That's it: I'm never ever going back again. Then again: if XTC were to get back together...

Ten things that crossed my mind at the BAD shows in Chicago and Minneapolis

1. Bald men rock.

2. Wait a sec - this isn't the lead singer of Foreigner.

3. Big Audio Dynamite? I came here to SAVE BIG ON CAR AUDIO.

4. Who's bad? I'm bad.

5. London's Burning! Wait - London's burning?

6. Don't you hate big, tall jerks who push their way past people who have been waiting for hours at shows, like this gargantuan bonehead and his butthead friend did?

7. Do these shoes clash with a BAD shirt? Get it? Clash? Aww, forget it.

8. Now that I've seen two BAD shows in a row, I believe I'm officially a groupie. Does this mean I now have to "do it" with the band?

9. Mick Jones and Paul McCartney outlived each of their songwriting partners, and are now considered less cool than the ones who died. The lesson? Die first.

10. BAD is good. (Too bad News of the World closed down, because I think I'm a natural for headline writing.)

Ten things that crossed my mind at the Flaming Lips' Winnipeg show

1. Trippy.

2. Can Flaming Lips start an Arcade Fire?

3. Confetti? Laser beams? Balloons? Giant hands? A bear mascot? It's like advertising class in here.


4. I really hope that the Situation picks it up on the next episode of Dancing or Bristol might beat him in the finals.

5. Maybe if we shout out song titles, they'll play Psychiatric Explorations of the Fetus with Needles and A Hallucination of the Christmas Skeleton Pleading with a Suicide Bomber!

6. Sometimes it feels like we're all living in large, plastic bubbles. Am I right, people?


7. Bald, nerdy guys with glasses sure love the Flaming Lips. Wait a sec...noooooooo!

8. I was thinking about getting LASIK eye surgery, and this laser beam searing into my retina clinches it.

9. If a bomb dropped on this place tonight, how would Winnipeg replenish its hipster deficit?

10. Mmmm....jelly!

Ten things that crossed my mind at last night's Juliette Lewis show

1. I can't wait to try this move in class.

2. Finally - someone is doing something about the dearth of actor/singers!

3. Is that you, Mick?



4. Juliette, could you please tell me what you think of this script I wrote, brought with me to the show, and threw at you onstage?

5. Any relation to Jerry, Parker, Huey, or Emmanuel?

6. I sure hope that she doesn't urge the audience to smooch one another.



7. 'Member when you were in Natural Born Killers? That was awesome!

8. What's scarier: Robert De Niro in Cape Fear, or the people lined up at this merch table?


9. I wonder what's happening on Mad Men right now?

10. August long-weekend dilemma: seeing Juliette Lewis live or sleeping in damp and skanky tents with my drunken friends? One ticket, please!

Ten things that crossed my mind at Devo's Minneapolis show

Hopelessly Devo-ted to you.

Devo played the Minnesota Zoo this weekend, so I had no choice but to go to the show with my friends, much like Richard Dreyfuss had no choice but to seek out Devil's Tower in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

My friends have loved Devo since birth, which is strange, given that they were born in the 60s, and Devo didn't form until 1973. Must be some kind of time/space continuum deal.

My pal, Jason, particularly loves the band, and his lifelong devotion was awarded at the show when lead singer and famous film composer Mark Mothersbaugh ran right up to us in the third row and asked us the musical question, "Are we not men?"

"We are Devo!" we shouted back on cue.

It was the greatest moment of my life. Then, Mothersbaugh rushed off, spilling Jason's beer and knocking him onto his ass at the same time. Then that was the greatest moment of my life.

Ten other things that crossed my mind during the show:

1. The family that wears energy domes together stays together.


2. How old is too old to wear tearaway clothes?


3. Q: Are we not men? A: Errr...can I have a little time to think about it?

4. I wonder if Devo has to share their dressing rooms with the headliners. Get it? Headliners? They're playing the zoo? Awww, forget it.

5. We must approach gingerly.


6. Let me get this straight: when a problem comes along, I must whip it?

7. Paramecia make every concert better.


8. An official energy dome and mask for $30 US? I'll take three of each!

9. These men are real - not made of steel!



10. You know that TV show Freaks and Geeks? I've lived it, man.



Devo links at my YouTube channel:

Gates of Steel

That's Good

Whip It

Don't Shoot

Girl U Want

Ten things that crossed my mind at last night's Tegan and Sara show

1. Is that Tegan or Sara?

2. Ultimate cage match: Tegan and Sara versus the Watson Twins. Winners fight the Proclaimers.


3. I wish that guy behind me would stop breathing, coughing, and spitting on my neck.

4. I wonder what Dave, Jimmy, and Conan are saying about big-jawed Jay right about now?

5. Tegan and Sara demographic: screaming, 16-year-old girls. Me: grumpy, old, bald man. Cue hilarity.

6. When someone asks, "Where do we go?" you should respond by shouting "Ah-ah!"



7. A glockenspiel makes every song even better than it already is.



8. Tegan = talkative. Sara = silent.

9. If I adopted Tegan and Sara, bought a big, multi-colored bus, and we went on the road together as the Larsen Family...that would totally rule.


10. Well, I'll be durned: singin' twins!

Ten reasons why the Hidden Cameras are the best live band in Canada

1. Dancing girls!

2. Monks!

3. Amenities!

4. Glasses!

5. Flags!

6. Songs!

7. Brass!

8. Hearing, seeing, and speaking of evil expressly prohibited!

9. Singalongs!

10. Ummmmm....

Ten questions answered by last night's Billy Bragg concert

1. Can I wear spiked bracelets, shine a laser pen, and shoot off fireworks?

And how do you spell "bracelets?"

2. Will I meet Billy Bragg?

3. Will I get his autograph?

4. Will he enjoy my stories and laugh at my jokes?

5. Will other famous people be there?

6. What songs will he play?

7. Will he have advice for "the kids?"


8. Will "the kids" have advice for him?

9. Is it possible to rock out to Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, the former Soviet Union, strategic air command, missiles, hospitals, smart bombs, acupuncture, and Facebook in a three-minute song?

10. Future Cathy Hanson assignment: can you get racism, the Clash, bullies, perspective, inspiration, cynicism, fascism, the Tories, Labour, Tony Blair, Naomi Klein, and Barack Obama into a seven-minute speech?

Ten great Billy Bragg lines, in preparation for tonight's concert

1. "I am the milkman of human kindness. I will leave an extra pint."

2. "I don't want to change the world; I'm not looking for a new England, I'm just looking for another girl."

3. "I never made the first team, I just made the first team laugh."

4. "I'm celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo."

5. "Safe sex doesn't mean no sex, it just means use your imagination."

6. "When you wake up to the fact that your paper is Tory, just remember there are two sides to every story."

7. "They must declare their interests, but not their company cars. Is there more to a seat in parliament than sitting on your arse?"

8. "I've always been impressed with a girl who can sing for her supper and make breakfast as well."

9. "Mixing pop and politics, he asks me what the use is. I offer him embarrassment and my usual excuses."

10. "Your life has lost its dignity, its beauty, and its passion: you're an accident waiting to happen!"

Ten things that crossed my mind during last night's Ben Folds concert in Fargo

1. A fold across the name "Ben Folds" on my ticket stub? Tonight, the air is thick with irony.

2. If you haven't eaten at McDonald's in 15 years, maybe it's not a good idea to start it up again right before a road trip.

3. "You don't know what it's like to be male, middle class, and white." Oh, no?

"Props to our peeps!"

4. Could it be that I'm a brick and I'm drowning slowly?

5. Would this hair color look good on me?


6. Ben Folds has replaced the members of the Ben Folds Five with a wooden box.



7. Maybe we are all alone in the universe.


8. Buy a round of beer for your American friends in Fargo, and they'll tell you over and over how much Canada rules.

9. Ben Folds + Elton John = Ben Elton?


Or folded johns?


10. I wonder if Jeff Zabudsky has read my post about me not being invited to Breakfast with the President, and whether now I'll be invited to Breakfast with the President.

Update, Sunday: I just heard from Matt, pictured onstage, above, singing "B*****s Ain't S**t" with Ben Folds and one of the most exuberant and positive young women I've ever seen singing a song with that title. He's a fan of the photo, a very nice guy, and one heckuva rapper.