Showing posts with label activism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label activism. Show all posts

Monday, September 17, 2012

Do U.S. teacher unions support or subvert school reform?


What a difference a week makes. 

Last week, asked to choose a stance on teacher unions in the U.S., I wrote piece on the topic for my master's in education. Shortly thereafter, Chicago teachers went on strike. Yes, it must be the power of my writing that made them do it. Cough, cough. 

Here is the paper, edited for brevity, which I wrote in response to a chapter in the book Critical Issues in Education, which asks the question posed in the headline, and outlines the arguments for and against U.S. teacher unions as they relate to school reforms.  

As a member of the Manitoba Government and General Employees’ Union and a resident of the home of the 1919 Winnipeg General Strike, I’m predisposed to agree with my pal, Billy Bragg.

Be that as it may, I would be very reluctant to strike knowing that my students’ education and profession's reputation are hanging in the balance. There’s something very disheartening about a teacher walking the picket line while his or her students sit on the sidelines (as happy to have an extended vacation as they may be). Says the PR instructor: it’s bad PR.

The appearance of U.S. teacher unions goes back to the early days of the profession, when teaching was considered less a career than, in sociologist’s Willard Waller’s words, “a failure belt…the refuge of unmarriageable women and unsaleable men.” Like me!

Bad working conditions, detached administrators, and a negative perception of the profession sewed the seeds for early U.S. teacher unions. The National Education Association (NEA) formed in 1857 to advance “the profession of education” but was dominated by men and not as “concerned with the personal welfare of classroom teachers.”

The American Federation of Teachers (AFT) formed in 1916 and “focused on improving economic aspect of teachers’ lives” and the National Labor Relations Act (NLRA) of 1935 “changed the status of unions by recognizing that workers in private industry had the right to bargain collectively.” At the same time, some courts still considered unions to be “criminal conspiracies.”

“Collective bargaining changed the relationship between classroom teachers and administrators. It promised teachers more pay, better job security, and an audible voice in education.” Today, the NLRA covers private sector workers, the NEA and AFT are rivals for the same teacher base (together, their membership is comprised of 80 per cent of U.S. teachers), and teachers enjoy the promise (if not practice) of better “pay, job security, and an audible voice in education.”

The two positions:

Position 1: “Teacher unions are champions of teachers and school reform.”

The pro position is that unions “have had a positive effect on teachers’ working conditions” in terms of salaries, collective bargaining, status, job security, and to “prevent a teacher from getting fired solely for disagreeing with administrators.” It also maintains, “unions also have been good for students,” and cites Finland, the shining example of educational reform, as having “the highest student test scores” and “some of the strongest teacher unions in the world.”

 Position 2: “Teacher Unions Stand in the Way of School Reform.”

The against position raises the specter of “bad teachers” and “rubber rooms” and wonders, “why the nation has done almost nothing to get bad teachers out of the classroom?”

It also says that unions “have outlived their usefulness,” are for teachers and not students, are apologists for poor teaching and an obstacle for school reform” and agrees, while unions do lead to higher teacher pay, it’s at the expense of everything else (except maybe union dues). Instead of union representation, this side suggests the solution to school reform is “merit pay and quantifiable data.”

The anti-union position in the book makes much of the idea that unions protect bad teachers and don’t support great teachers. However, the reality is that teacher unions don’t just represent bad teachers, but also good ones.

Presumption of innocence wasn’t invented by a teacher union, nor was due process or right to a speedy trial. As much as we might like to rally behind a simplistic slogan, like “bad teachers should be fired and good teachers rewarded,” it’s sobering to remember that few people agree on what makes a teacher good or bad.

The article, Building a Better Teacher, from the NY Times Magazine, illustrates the struggle inherent in the pursuit:
"But what makes a good teacher? There have been many quests for the one essential trait, and they have all come up empty-handed. Among the factors that do not predict whether a teacher will succeed: a graduate-school degree, a high score on the SAT, an extroverted personality, politeness, confidence, warmth, enthusiasm and having passed the teacher-certification exam on the first try. When Bill Gates announced recently that his foundation was investing millions in a project to improve teaching quality in the United States, he added a rueful caveat. “Unfortunately, it seems the field doesn’t have a clear view of what characterizes good teaching.”
If the answer is, as the article suggests, “voodoo,” it’s unlikely we’ll be any closer to objectively defining good and bad teachers anytime soon. For the same reason, I also don’t believe that merit pay is a more reasonable way to solve the problem of school reform.

A key problem with merit pay is “teacher quality cannot be measured solely by changes in student test scores.” Student performance can be a function of many things, including family environment. Would parents agree to be judged on their parenting skills based solely on their kids' test scores?

The other side of merit pay is the recent epidemic of teachers being caught raising their students' test scores. Further, it’s proven to be unsuccessful in other countries. "England ended its experiment with performance pay in the 1890s following public outcry over academic dishonesty and the negative effects of exams on students and teachers."

I believe that U.S. teacher unions and school reform aren’t mutually exclusive ideas and agree with the quote attributed to Albert Shanker: “It is as much the duty of the union to preserve public education as it is to negotiate a good contract.”

- All quotes from Nelson, Jack, Stuart Palonsky, and Mary Rose McCarthy, Critical Issues in Education, Eighth Edition. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2013. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I write the songs that make grammarians cry

Cover your ears at 18 seconds. 

There are lots of songs with dodgy grammar. 

However, there are some that, in the parlance of Canadian comic Derek Edwards, make you want to pull your car over and smash your head through the windshield. 

For me, these songs fall into two categories:
  • The artist who should know better
  • The artist who doesn't know better.
I enjoy many of these songs immensely - but they all leave me with a nagging feeling that something needs changing. And maybe, just maybe, if we start fixing them now, we can solve the world's grammar problems by the time the Peter O'Toole robot awakes the Prometheus crew.

1. Prepositionally challenged

"But if this ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give it a cry..."
Paul McCartney, Live and Let Die
Prescription: Consider breaking this sentence into two, Sir Paul, and try to keep your prepositions to 15 per sentence.

"I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to."
Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man
Prescription: Don't end a sentence with "to."

"Must of got lost somewhere down the line."
J. Geils Band, Must of Got Lost
Prescription: Replace "of" with "have."

2. Time for a rewrite

"Su-su-ssudio."
Phil Collins, Sussudio
Prescription: When you find me a girl actually named Sussudio, then I won't have a problem with this song.

"And my funky tunk keep on walkin'."
Moby Grape, Funky Tunk
Prescription: Get that funky tunk surgically removed.

"Louie Louie - oh no. Me gotta go. Aye-yi-yi-yi."
The Kingsmen, Louie Louie
Prescription: Don't put marbles in your mouth. And sit up straight.

3. Were vs. was

"Long time ago when we was fab."
George Harrison, When We Was Fab
Prescription: Were, not was. Hey that could be a band name!

"I wish I was special."
Radiohead, Creep
Prescription: There's much disagreement about this one, even among grammarians. I do believe that if you wish or describe something that is contrary to fact, you say "were." Either way, the song is about being a creep, so I have to give this one a pass on a technicality.

4. Double negatives

"We don't need no education."
Pink Floyd, Another Brick in the Wall, Part II

"I never said nothing."
Liz Phair, Never Said

"I can't get no satisfaction."
Rolling Stones, Satisfaction

Prescription: If you're being ironic, this is great. If you're not being ironic, you're saying the opposite of what you mean.

5. Do versus does versus don't versus doesn't.

"Every little thing she do just turn me on."
The Police, Every Little Thing She Does is Magic
Prescription: "Does."

"She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care."
The Beatles, Ticket to Ride
Prescription: "Doesn't." 

6. Not-so-fresh rhymes

"Hey mighty brontosaurus/Don't you have a lesson for us?"
The Police, Walking in Your Footsteps

"The words of the prophets were written on the studio wall/Concert hall!"
Rush, Spirit of Radio

"I got this Stella I bombed from that last cafe/This night's not even begun - yes yes oh yay."
The Streets, Fit But You Know it

Prescription: Stop being irritating.

***

What are your favorite least-favorite grammatically questionable lyrics and why?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Rob Lowe doesn't hate us - he feels our pain

Rob Lowe as Terry Dullum.

What a difference a day makes. 

Why, it seems like just yesterday that I was pissed off at Minneapolis CBS affiliate WCCO for ruining the Tony Awards with painful scrolls, maps, beeps, and trolls.

There weren't actually trolls, but it's a nice rhyme that summarizes how I felt at the time: like little, hairy dwarves had broken into my house and were biting me as I tried to enjoy a little song and dance.

I got a little bounce from the rant, but nothing like when Winnipeg-visitor and Hollywood celebrity Rob Lowe got pissed off about the same thing. He tweeted something about being in a "hellhole" because Grand Forks' ABC affiliate WDAZ interrupted a basketball game with local election results.

Our local media is so used to the "xxxx hates Winnipeg" story, it replaced "xxxx" with "Rob Lowe" and ran with it.

But, no, Rob Lowe doesn't hate Winnipeg. You'll find that he actually hates WDAZ for cutting into his basketball game with its local election results. He's not mad at us, he feels our pain!

We Winnipeggers are so used to this stuff from our U.S. stations, we've somehow started to think that it's our lot in life to put up with the never-ending thunderstorm watches, program break-ins, and Terry Dullum's "slightly off-the-wall observations" on the WDAZ evening news.

I'm not suggesting the election results aren't important: to the good people of Grand Forks, they clearly are. But - as I said in my last rant - this kind of news is what Twitter and the radio are for.

If these results were so important to WDAZ, why didn't it interrupt advertising instead of program content? Turns out there was something more important than the election results: paid ads.

So to our fine affiliate to the south, I offer some friendly advice: before you break into regular programming, simply ask yourself this question: "Would I throw a rock through my TV screen if I sat down to watch my favorite show and saw this instead?"

In return for doing this small thing, we'll take your tired, poor huddled cases of Cherry Dr. Pepper yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your Olive Garden, the homeless Cinnabons, and everything else that NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg hates, and we'll bring them back to Canada as we lift our lamps beside your golden door!

Deal?

By the way, Rob Lowe and I were wondering: who won the election?

Monday, June 11, 2012

I'm severely irritated with WCCO's severe storm warnings

Beep, beep, beep.

A thunderstorm in Minnesota? I'll alert the media.

I'm done with WCCO. The CBS affiliate in Minnesota ruined its Tony Awards programming last night with a never-ending Severe Thunderstorm Warning map and scroll, and three loud beeps repeated every 30 minutes, drowning out the show's audio to draw our attention to the impending "rain and thunder emergency."

Thank you, WCCO, for replicating in my living room the true Broadway experience: getting boiling mad when your boorish rowmate's cell phone goes off during the big number.

Red alert. Death Star approaching. 

Severe weather is to WCCO what terror alerts were to the Bush administration. No one would begrudge WCCO for warning its viewers about actual impending doom, but by now we know the station, like the Bush administration, is the boy who cried red alert. 

When WCCO says "thunderstorm warning," what it means is "you're going to get a little wet." Hell, your basement might even get moist. Oh, the humanity.

"Local weather" is the way most U.S. stations get viewers, so in the era of the ever-eroding TV audience, these stations wrongly believe that a little manufactured danger is the way to go.

But if you're in the business of providing your viewers with quality programming, and you ruin that experience, what are the odds the viewers will come back? More than that: if there is an actual emergency, the constant message that tells us "we're in trouble" is a little more than irritating: it's irresponsible.

It's all about the Benjamins

So let's pretend for a minute that there was actual danger (well, lightning did cause small fires last night, according to WCCO's terrible website). We can presume the people inside their homes watching the Tony Awards were OK. If drivers were concerned, they could turn to their radios ("the everywhere medium") or mobile phones to get the latest scoop.

The only thing left that people want to watch live (the important thing for Nielsen ratings and ad revenue) anymore is "live programming." If you were a WCCO/CBS advertiser who bought a spot to run during the Tonys, wouldn't you want a refund if this is what it looked like?


WCCO is a repeat offender. I've never missed an episode of the Late Show with David Letterman - ever - which means I get to sit through WCCO's obnoxious test of the Emergency Alert System, which only happens during Letterman's first guest.

Another scroll, more beeping, and a recorded audio message to boot. What would Kiefer say? 


Interesting fact: the emergency alert system was set up by Harry Truman in 1951, and has only ever been used once (in 1971) and it was by mistake. The system wasn't even used when terrorist crashed planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2001.

Here in Winnipeg, we're nothing but "spillover media" to WCCO. I'm sure the good people at WCCO could care less if we watch their programming, as evidenced by their weather map, which shows the world ending at the Canadian border.

So, what can we do about this? 
Maybe the easiest is to just stop watching WCCO.

Monday, June 4, 2012

7 lines to make it seem like you care about hockey

Scores!

If you're like me, you tuned in to the Stanley Cup to watch the Kings versus the Devils, and were disappointed that there weren't members of the Royal family battling demons.

Compared to the average Canadian male, my hockey knowledge is wanting at best. I came to this realization in in grade two when I attended Robbie "Stretch" Armstrong's birthday party, and his dad gave out prizes to kids who could correctly answer hockey-trivia questions.

"Who played right wing for the Philadelphia Flyers in 1970?" he asked.

"Kookamunga!" I blurted out to laughter from the other kids, but not Mr. Armstrong. I didn't get a prize.

Since then, I've found myself sitting in many a-basement with many a-hockey fan, forced to make many a-conversation about many a-hockey game. I've tried to care, but the fact is that, deep down inside, I really don't.

To survive, I've developed seven lines to make it seem like I care more about the game than I do. At your next Stanley Cup party, simply mix and match as required:

1. The boys have got to get into the corners. 

When nothing's going on and no one's scoring goals, simply say this over and over and over. This phrase sounds much more authoritative when delivered in a French-Canadian accent, but if you deliver it that way, remember: you're going to have to commit to the accent for the entire evening.   
2. Put the biscuit in the basket!

You can shout this with excitement if your team comes close to scoring a goal, or with frustration if it doesn't. Either way, people love biscuits in baskets and the image will conjure up a simpler time when men ate biscuits out of baskets when they watched the game. Whatever you do, don't shout, "Put the puck in the net!" because it's dirty.

3. Lucky. Unlucky.

When the opposing team does anything good, say "lucky." When your team does anything bad, say "unlucky."

 4. He won it cleanly. 

When a hockey player gets a puck away from another hockey player, you can just say, "He won it cleanly." No one knows what it means, but it was repeated ad nauseam in Sega Genesis NHL hockey and has the ring of something that only a true hockey connoisseur would say.
   
5. If it happens all the time, why's it called a one-timer?

As it turns out, hockey fans know a one-timer when they see one, but can almost never explain how it got its name. When they're unable to answer your question, it will be they, not you, who feel inadequate.

6. Two minutes for looking so good!

Every time a player gets a penalty, say this. All the men in the room will laugh, as they remember this classic Canadian TV commercial:


7. Last minute of play in the game!

Saying "Last minute of play in the game!" in an authoritative, booming voice makes it seem like you've been to a hockey arena at some point in your life. Just make sure you save it for the last minute of play in the game.

Enjoy the Stanley Cup, and - Kookamunga!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Stop irritating me 24/7 by saying 24/7

I ascertain that your catch phrase is irritating.

24/7? Don't go there, girlfriend.

Every so often a stupid and irritating phrase makes its way to the English language and, despite being stupid and irritating, shows amazing traction among a certain segment of the population who is lucky enough to have had a Culligan stupid-and-irritating filter installed in the cranium at birth.

Like the Kids in the Hall character who loves the word "ascertain" (above), they hear the offending phrase, a bell goes off, and an angel loses his wings each time they repeat it, which they do ad nauseam.

I once agreed to meet a friend's friend for lunch at the James Armstrong Richardson Davis Junior International Winnipeg Airport for the Criminally Insane. I'd never met her before, but I'm always happy to help bored passersby while away the hours in Winnipeg en route to Chilliwack.

She seemed nice enough until we sat down and she said, "I heard you've been working 24/7."

I'd never heard "24/7" before, but I instantly hated it. To my horror, she proceeded to use it 750,000 times over the course of our lunch. I swear: at one point the conversation stopped and she said "24/7" as a placeholder.

I made my excuses and got out of there, looking over my shoulder as I fumbled with my keys in the parkade - certain that 24/7 would catch up to me, hit me over the head, and steal my wallet.

Sure enough: after that ill-fated lunch, I started hearing it everywhere. Each time, I'd be taken back to the close-up, slow-motion image of my new friend's lips mouthing "24/7." "Noooooooo!" I'd yell over a long shot of planet Earth.

After years of 24/7 therapy, I believe I've overcome the issue, knowing full well that sometimes you just have to say, "It is what it is."

Bing!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Greatest Story Ever Told (in a community newspaper)


The humanity! And that's just the sentence structure.

This awesome article is from a Canadian community newspaper, which shall remain nameless. Paragraph breaks are mine. We can blame the writer for everything else:
"God Picks No Favorites is what comes to mind when you see the damage done to the First United Church on 3rd. Ave. N.W.

"Saturday nights winds left approximately Forty to Fifty thousand dollars damage to the Church which houses many memories for the people that accompany it.

"Upon walking inside the church the first thing you see is 1/2 of the North wall lying on whats left of the Floor. The area where the choir stands as well as the Priest was destroyed from the falling brick, also causing damage to the basement below.

"Nobody new about the damage until Sunday mourning and luckily there was no-body inside the Church at the time.

"By luck the Organ which is situated against the centre of the inside north wall received only a scratch while everything around it was crushed. There is also considerable damage to the south wall from the wind. The large front window will have to be rebuilt due to it being pushed and bent from the large gusts of wind.
"One person at the church was commented as saying that the damage in one word was shocking. It would be safe to say that the public should stay well away from the North and South wall of the church since there is still chance of more bricks to fall.

"Sunday service will now be held in the large Auditorium for now and if anyone may have any other questions concerning services you may call (number)."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Know yer online copyright law

Intelligence borrows, genius steals. I know because I stole that line from some guy. 

This week at CMU was a master's class in online copyright and plagiarism in which I learned much about the murky world of copyright, lawyers, guns, and money. Hint: guns and money aren't as bad as lawyers.

Your resources:

1. Website for the great doc, Copyright Criminals.

2. Online copyright quiz.

3. Indiana U's "How to recognize plagiarism," online test, and official plagiarism certificate making you a certified plagiarist. Or something. Every student at Indiana U must take - and ace - the test, which constitutes understanding and compliance of the school's guidelines.

4. How to use and cite Creative Commons resources.

5. Taking the mystery out of Creative Commons Licenses.

Friday, December 30, 2011

All the best and worst to you and yours from '11

Best stuff I found under my house (below)

Best TV show
Game of Thrones or Downton Abbey, depending on whether I feel like sword-fighting or knitting.

Most welcome return to the small screen
Beavis and Butthead

Best TV show on which to play catch-up on DVD/download
Modern Family

Best news app
Zite - the magazine that gets smarter each time you read it.


Best design-fetish app
Fancy

Most-promising new app
Jildy - organizes Facebook the way Facebook can't do it itself.

Best photo app
Instagram (sorry, Liz Hover)

Best social add-on to traditional media app
GetGlue

Most promising game app/trend
Shadow Cities - Adding a virtual game atop your reality

Best "What have I done with my life?" moment
Summly app is created by a 16-year-old

Best book
The Idea Writers by Teresa Iezzi - the present and future of advertising.

Best new friend (below)
The sunshine that shines on my throw rug and creates a concerned face that sometimes gives me advice.


Best movie
Bill Cunningham New York

Best superhero movie
X-Men: First Class

Funniest superhero
Thor

Best first-half of a superhero movie
Captain America - better as a wimp than a hero.

Best album
PJ Harvey - Let England Shake

Best song
Anna Calvi - Desire

Best sign (below)
Best restaurant
Segovia

Best bar 
The Grove

Best menu item at a bar
The Yellow Dog's steak sandwich

Best beer
Hoegaarden

Best wine
Vinaguarena

Worst new local-TV trend 
Morning show traffic coverage, starting at 6 a.m. In Winnipeg? 

Worst ongoing local-TV trend 
Awkward banter 

Second-best sign (below)
 

Scariest robot (below)
Going the way of the newspaper
The physical classroom

Best way to reboot education
General Assembly
Lynda 
Stanford free classes 
Edutopia

Best class debate
Do ghosts exist?

Best student
You

Worst service
Pharma Plus, Corydon


Best service
Friendly and helpful Starbucks drive-through window staff at the Taylor location. 

Friendliest robot (below) The giveaway: the pet cat.


Best nemeses
The Man
Anonymous commenters
Parking-meter readers
YouTube

Endangered species
Sarcasm
Irony
Concentration
Listening

Best job trend
Starting your own business instead of workin' for the man.


Worst job trend (below)
Confidential company seeks anonymous employee for unstated salary.

Best PR
Obama kills Osama

Worst PR
Netflix changes its business model

Worst journalism
Rupert Murdoch




Best console game
Portal 2 for Xbox

Best podcast
Joe Rogan
  
Best Halloween costume - student (below)

Most worthwhile learning curve
Facebook Pages/ads

Scariest social media to lawyers and other people who know nothing about it
Facebook

Best sign that someone knows nothing about Twitter
"I don't care what Ashton had for breakfast."


Social-media trend that needs to go
QR codes

Best social-media meets national-TV moment
My Facebook comment gets a shout-on on NBC Nightly News as part of its Steve Jobs TV coverage.


Best Halloween costume - teacher dresses as casket to show the students where there education and careers will eventually lead them.


Best new Christmas tradition - A snifter of balls at the Style Council.

Best live stand-up - Marc Maron at the Chicago Mayne Stage

Best Twitter buzz
The day I tweeted that I found this at The Forks:
  
Greatest return - Dancing Gabe and whatever that team he cheers for is called.

Best toy trend (below) - Disrespect meets obscenity



Worst logo
The Winnipeg Jets, 2011

Best logo
The Winnipeg Jets, 1973 to 1990






Best TV ad
Volkswagen


Best print ad
Benetton

Worst urinal ad
Government of Canada's use of the color yellow and the word "tool" to sell its apprenticeship grants. He said, "Tool." Huh-huh, huh-huh.


Best imitation of myself

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Help me choose a catchphrase, Willis

I'm jealous of my student Richard Baschak.

It's not because he's a good looking man, nor is it his impeccable hygiene; it's because he's got the best catchphrase ever: "Thank you for the criticism."

The awesome thing about his catchphrase is that it happened naturally, when he actually thanked his classmates for ripping apart his new-product idea in last year's class. Delivered by anyone else and the phrase would've come off as bitchy or sarcastic. But for him, it was heartfelt and true. Lucky bastard.

Help me choose a catchphrase

I've been searching for a catchphrase of my own ever since. After much turmoil, I've narrowed it down to these six, and provided a little context for how each would be delivered. Any keepers?

1. Nobody cares!
I finish delivering the best class of my life. I put the whiteboard marker down, wipe the sweat from my brow, and ask the students, "Any questions?" Unbeknownst to me, the students have walked out during the lecture and the classroom is empty. I look into the camera and yell, "Nobody cares!" before storming out of the room. The studio audience goes wild.

2. Don't start without me. 
A student comes to class to tell everyone about the big marker social this Friday. "Are you coming to the big marker social, Kenton?" she asks. I look into the camera, frown, and say, "Don't start without me." The studio audience goes wild.

3. I tweet hope. 
A five-star general tells me he finds my tweets insulting. "Well, I don't know why that would be," I say, looking into the camera. "I tweet hope." The studio audience goes wild.

4. I'm more honest about my dishonesty.
"PR is corporate bullshit and journalism is the truth!" screams an unemployed newspaper reporter at me. I drop a quarter in his open guitar case, pat him on the head, look into the camera, and say, "I'm more honest about my dishonesty." The studio audience goes wild.

5. I'd rather have no hair than your hair. 
"You're bald," says a five-year-old kid on my bus. I look into his eyes with a menacing glare and say, "I'd rather have no hair than your hair." Then I turn, look into the camera, and wink. The studio audience goes wild.

6. Heavy bolsters!
I'm crossing the street. A car swerves to avoid me and hits another car just meters away. I whip off my baseball cap, turn to look into the camera, and yell, "Heavy bolsters!"

Which one should be my catchphrase? Do tell. Thank you for the criticism.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Ten consistently crappy things that reliably suck

The first sign that tonight's gonna be such a lame night. 

In this confusing world in which we live, it's nice that some things remain reliably sucky.

What's riding me? What's my beef? What sucks? The usual. Thank you for asking.

1. Meter readers - Storied in song and songed in story (by me), I imagine the justification for taking the job and ticketing the good and well-meaning citizens of your hometown has got to be pretty weak indeed: "I'm just following orders," "I meet a lot of interesting, new people (who yell at me)," and "I'm the thin line between parking order and anarchy."

2. Black Eyed Peas - So painfully desperate to sell us on the idea that "tonight's gonna be such a good night," we know that tonight can be only the worst possible night of all time, played out to a badly sampled tune with loads of faux-street "Yeah, yeah, yeahs" hollered over it.

3. Hulu - It's the World Wide Web, but we're going to return it to the era of region codes by blocking "some areas" from watching our videos. Which areas? Everywhere but the U.S. Hulu: the Berlin Wall of the Internet.

4. YouTube - I've told and retold the whole story about YouTube's hypocritical copyright policy, and it still grinds my gears, not just because it's inconsistent, but because the folks at YouTube are so self-congratulatory about how progressive they are. Hey, YouTube: TubeYou.

5. Noisy neighbors with a third-grade education - I understand that lightning and thunder is bright and loud. I understand that you enjoy it, and like to cheer when you see and hear it. But please shut up. I beg you.

6. Acting _______ - If the lamest job in the entire world is "actor," pretending to be someone you're not and saying the words that someone else has written for you, then the lamest word to affix to any job title is "Acting _____." Thanks for the offer, acting brain surgeon, but I'll wait for the other guy to come back from vacation.

7. Cell phone providers - "Hi, Rogers, I can't find where I buy a U.S. data plan on your website." "Oh, you can't anymore." "Uh, OK - where can I do it?" "Only from your mobile." I hang up, try to do it and - the 3G service, which Rogers provides, is too weak to load a Web page.

8. Airlines - You pat my privates, wedge me into a tiny seat, feed me nothing, and the advertised $300 flight to England is actually $2,000 after fees. Next time: I swim.

9. "I just love the feel of the newspaper" - Lately, there's no shortage of folks longing for the simple times of day-old, gatekeeper-provided news delivered on cheap, smelly, and inky newsprint. This phrase is now officially banned for people under 25, and anyone who has even once expressed concern that we're killing too many trees. By the way, have I ever mentioned how much I miss the sound of the telegraph?

10. Prepay gas pumps - What better way to tell your customers, "We don't trust you," and those without credit cards, "We don't want your business." Even better: in the U.S., you must enter your zip code before the pump starts doing its thing, instantly disqualifying every Canadian.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ode to the Towne's cinema three


I think that I shall never see
A theatre lame as number three

Three whose tiny screen is prest
Against my eyes as though a test

Three that mocks my sense of worth:
Twice the price for half the mirth

Too high a cost at that deposit
To only quip, "Is this a closet?"

Three you've made many's fate
To look like cheapskates on a date

Oh fools why built you, number three
Twice as small as my TV?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The three questions I ask the MTS telemarketer


When MTS telemarketers call me to up-sell, I ask them these questions three:

1. Why do employees get first crack at concert tickets, but not customers?
2. Why does a proud Manitoba company farm out its advertising to Vancouver?
3. Isn't it time to kill Morty the Bison?

It's a rollicking conversation; so rollicking that the MTS telemarketer who last called me closed the conversation by saying, "Well, I have to go now..." Was it something I said?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Someone" is destroying customer service

"Can I help someone over here?"

My favorite line! It's the one that's destroying customer service everywhere, right across this great land, from the largest HMV in Vancouver to the smallest Pharma Plus in PEI.

Imagine this scenario:

Let's say you're waiting in a long line at the drugstore. You have a cold. All you want is to buy some Dristan, so you can go home and sleep without choking.

Suddenly, another cashier opens up at another wicket.
"Can I help someone over here?"
Like clockwork, the last person in your line runs to the front of the newly opened wicket, destroying the first-come, first-served philosophy on which the whole idea of "lineups" is usually based.

Imagine? I've lived it, brother.

It first happened to me at Pharma Plus - a shameless repeat offender - and in the last week I've seen it unfold before my very eyes at HMV, Sobeys, the Apple Store, and CIBC.

It must be stopped before it's too late. The future of humankind depends on it!

Why it sucks
  • The whole idea of "service" is that you want to make things good for people spending their money at your store (or the store at which you work).
Engaging a cage match of fighting shoppers while you passively wait for one to hack his or her way to the front of the line isn't "service" - it's boneheaded at best, cruel at worst.
  • It dehumanizes people. Individual people. "Someone" isn't a word to which any person in his or her right mind responds, "That clerk is talking to me!"
"Will someone marry me?"

"Next in line" is only one level up. It may take care of the mad-rush-to-the-wicket problem, but it still dehumanizes the PERSON waiting next in line.
  • It assumes that, given limited decision-making time, shoppers will behave rationally.
They won't. Just hang around outside Advance on Boxing Day.

Granted, I may be giving the existentialist store clerk a little too much credit for forethought.
  • It ignores the most important word in marketing.
That word is "you."

In personal sales (Avon calling!), the way you do it is to make eye contact and say, "Would YOU be interested in buying some of these wonderful products?"

In a store setting, the way it works is you look up at the next "person" waiting in line, you make direct eye contact with that person, and in a confident, clear voice say, "Can I help you?" Then you smile, smile, smile.

***
The next time a clerk says, "Can I help someone over here?" when you're next in line, the appropriate response is, I believe, "Screw YOU!"

The electronic equivalent of "someone."

Monday, July 19, 2010

My favorite comic-book author and Letterman guest dies at 70


Dave and Harvey crash Live at Five with Roker and Cafferty.

It was a bad week for Cleveland: LeBron James moved to the heat and the Heat, and native son George Steinbrenner went to that big Yankee Stadium in the sky.

But, even worse, my favorite Cleveland underground comic writer, Letterman guest, and curmudgeon - Harvey Pekar - died from cancer at age 70.

American Splendor

In 1976, Pekar started writing comic books based on his life and job as a file clerk at the Cleveland VA Medical Center.

Pekar's American Splendor comics - the title is ironic! - are about working-class Cleveland and Pekar's mundane, regular-guy life: his paranoia, anger at the world, and himself.

I bought Pekar's comics as they came out at (the now-closed) Schinders in Minneapolis - one more reason to drive to the big city! - but for most people, the collection American Splendor: the Life and Times of Harvey Pekar is a good place to find out what's so great about the guy.


Pekar's graphic novel, Our Cancer Year, is his best self-contained work, chronicling his harrowing and depressing battle with cancer. To this day, I'm haunted by the panel where Pekar drops the groceries in the snow and can't pick them up - the sheer helplessness of it all.

For all of his self-disparagement, Pekar had a lot of success, the pinnacle of which was the great, Sundance-winning film American Splendor, starring Paul Giamatti as our anti-hero:


"Every American city is depressing in its own way."

Pekar also showed up in two of my all-time favorite Canadian documentaries, ridiculously unavailable online, the video store, or maybe anywhere - Vinyl and I, Curmudgeon. Pekar was an avid collector of jazz records and grumpy, which explains his appearance in both.

The Letterman years

Pekar first came to my attention in the 80s in his handful of appearances on Late Night with David Letterman, which are notable for Pekar's subversive rants - altogether missing from late-night talk shows today.

This one got Pekar banned from Late Night "for life." In the pre-September 11 world, Pekar made Letterman pray out loud for "a terrorist:"



The life ban didn't last long: Pekar appeared on Letterman's Late Show twice after his Late Night outburst, again accusing Letterman of being a shill for the man and having contempt for his audience.

Pekar told the LA Times:
"On some of the shows, I was doing a deliberate self-parody, and now there's a lot of people that think I'm some sort of maniac, you know? I'd rather be liked than thought of as a crazy man, but with Letterman, I've been in a situation where you either lay down and let him insult you or you do something about it. Most people keep their mouth shut and let him dump on them. I don't wanna do that."
Comic books, talk shows, and Cleveland will never be the same:

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Baby, I've got the BP oil-spill blues

Last gasp: irony, thy name is Minnesota BP statue.


Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how, come on...ugh - I've got oily crap all over my surfboard!

Is there a story on the news this summer more depressing and frustrating than the BP oil spill?

I'll give you a pass if you said, "Mel Gibson," but I knew it wasn't just me when Brian Williams recently previewed the NBC Nightly News by saying, "What BP is now saying about the oil spill - but who believes them?!"

Not me. So, I know that when USA Today's headline said "Leak fixed" on its website today, it wasn't talking about the leak in the ocean with oil gushing out of it, but "the leak on the new cap" that was supposed to fix the leak in the ocean with oil gushing out of it.

Way to go USA Today! Way to go BP! Way to go stupid leaks!

Your summer BP oil-spill playlist!

I'm so sick of it all, I'd sooner listen to a songwriter's take on the problem as anyone's: Thad Allen, Robo Dick Cheney, and Kevin Costner's less good-looking brother, Dan among them.

I might be onto something.

No one has come up with a solution to the spill, but Blind Lemon Jefferson recorded Oil Well Blues in 1929, along with the line: "It ain't nothin', mama, don't be scared at all - there's a long-distant well and it's blowin' in oil that's all."

So, a blind blues singer saw this coming 80 years ago and BP couldn't?

Here it is - the BP oil-spill playlist. Links open in YouTube:

1. 10,000 Maniacs - Poison in the Well

Key lyrics:
"There's been a small spill, and all that it amounts to is a tear in a salty sea
Someone's been a bit untidy - they'll have it cleaned up in a week
But the week is over, and now it's turning into years..."
2. Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Royal Oil

Key lyrics:
"Royal oil, big trouble brewing
Long, lonely road, long road to ruin
Wrong path to take, great big mistake"


3. Graham Parker - Slash and Burn

Key lyrics:
"They burned the mighty rain forest the howler monkeys screamed
They turned it into burgers for the monkeys on the street
The paths were forged with promise hung up like jewels and gold
While Atlas the Adonis was holding up the globe"
4. Laurie Anderson - Only an Expert

Key lyrics:
"So if there’s no expert dealing with the problem
It’s really actually twice the problem
Cause only an expert can deal with the problem"
5. Steve Forbert - The Oil Song

Key lyrics:
"And it’s oil
Creepin’ in the sea
Don’t buy it at the station
You can get it now for free
Just come on down to the shoreline
Where the water used to be"
6. Midnight Oil - Warakurna

Key lyrics:
"Some people laugh, some never learn
this land must change or land must burn"
7. Moxy Fruvous - The Gulf War Song

Key lyrics:
"Fighters for Texaco, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower"
8. Blind Lemon Jefferson - Oil Well Blues

Key lyrics:
"It ain't nothin', mama, don't be scared at all.
There's a long-distant well and it's blowin' in oil that's all."
9. Incubus - Oil and Water

Key lyrics:
"You and I are like oil and water
And we've been trying, trying, trying
Ohhhhhhh... to mix it up."
10. Kathleen Edwards - Oil Man's War

Key lyrics:
"When we get up north, we'll buy us a store
I won't fight an oil man's war."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I had breakfast with the interim president and you didn't - nyeah, nyeah, nyeah

The best moment of my life happened here (interim president not pictured).

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I love to write about three things:
  1. Apple products;
  2. Star Wars;
  3. Not being selected to have breakfast with the Red River College president
Cross number three off the list.

I finally got the "not-being-selected-to-have-breakfast-with-the-RRC president" monkey off my back today when I had ONE-ON-ONE breakfast with RRC interim president Cathy Rushton at Stella's on Sherbrook.

Yes, it's a glorious day indeed. A day to be long remembered. A day that will live on in infamy. The greatest day of my life.

Oh, that's right: you weren't invited. Sucka!

Public complaining + time = gloating

Forgive my gloating, but - as I say - this momentous occasion has been a long time in the making.

To make a short story long, here's the background:

The college has an employee draw every month and the prize is Breakfast with the President - an opportunity to beef and bouquet (but mostly beef) everything and everyone at RRC with the college's top decision-maker.

As it says on the college's website:
"The breakfasts let staff informally talk to the president and share ideas about the college with their fellow employees. Participants are selected randomly by Human Resource Services so eventually every employee at the college will receive an invitation."
The problem was that I didn't ever receive an invitation, while others around me attended so many Breakfasts with the President, they ran out of things to beef.

"Uh, I mentioned how sometimes the air conditioning is too chilly," said one of my co-workers about his last visit to Breakfast to the President.

"What about me?!' I shouted at the top of my lungs at lunch hour in the Atrium, attracting the attention of no one. "I have lots of important things I could beef to the president!"

So, I went to work at doing what I do best: complaining on this blog. Really, everything you need to know is in my pièce de résistance called, "I am the Susan Lucci of Breakfast with the President."

I'm happy to point out that the complaints struck a nerve. With me. With everyone else, they struck a comedy nerve. So many people got pleasure from my torment, it became a running gag around the office - mine and the upper reaches of Red River College's Tower of Power at its Notre Dame campus.

Which is how today came to be: interim President Cathy Rushton is such a good sport, she offered me one-on-one Breakfast with the Interim President in exchange for being able to have fun at my expense at former president Jeff Zabudsky's farewell.

Hey, I teach PR, so I know that there's no such thing as bad publicity. One "mention" at the former president's farewell (why, that's like 500 or more "unique impressions!") AND one-on-one Breakfast with the Interim President? It's like winning the lottery. Twice!

The glorious payoff

The breakfast was everything I knew it would be. Cathy is a nice person and wonderful conversationalist, and the Stella's Norwegian waffle is a great Norwegian waffle: ice cream, powder, waffle - oh, sorry, back to the topic:

Uh, well...what happens at Breakfast with the Interim President stays at Breakfast with the Interim President, so I won't reveal what we talked about other than technology, RRC's People Plan, beefs & bouquets, Apple computers, Star Wars, and my ultimate goal to reinstate the RRC Glee Club to its former glory:



What next?

Now that I've finally achieved this milestone - pinnacle of success, really - I'm available for consultation with anyone who hasn't yet been selected to have Breakfast with the Interim President. Because, like, my rates are cheap and I can totally get you in.

"Cathy and I? She and I go waaaay back, Cathy and I!"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The curmudgeon dungeon: a nice place to visit, but...


Andy Rooney: poster child for being curmudgeonly.


Every time a bell rings, a curmudgeon gets his wings. Ding!

Quick quiz - answer yes or no:

  • Do you feel ill-tempered much of the time?
  • Are you full of resentment?
  • Are you stubborn?
  • Do you disagree with others - a lot?
  • Do you think that you're being funny and honest when suddenly others accuse you of being negative?
  • Does it feel like fingernails on a blackboard when you hear someone say, "It's all good!" or "I'm having a yes year!"?
Well, welcome to the world of being a college student and instructor, my child, and the larger world of being a curmudgeon.

Loosely put, a curmudgeon is a more endearing version of being an arsehole, though the line is admittedly fine.

I first started questioning my curmudgeonly ways - and the number of young curmudgeons in my classroom - when I saw Alan Zweig's great documentary, I Curmudgeon. It's a crime that this film and his first and even better film, Vinyl, are next to impossible to find anywhere in any form.

In the film, Zweig confronts his negativity - literally in the mirror, like the Green Goblin in Spider-Man! - and tries to get at the heart of why some people feel (or are) socially outcast. They sit at the back of the arena at a Bon Jovi concert thinking, "This is shit" while others around them dance, clap, and love every moment of it.

Take Seymour in the great film, Ghost World, as he confronts mainstream culture and doesn't like what he sees or hears:



Ding! Maybe it says something about my friends and I that we screamed with laughter at this scene in an otherwise very silent theatre.

Just being "funny"

One of the things I love and hate about myself is that everything I say sounds sarcastic.

When I do stand-up, I like to use the example of saying, "I love you." For most people, you say these words, and doors open around you, like you're the Maxwell Smart of the romantic set. When I say them, it sounds like a challenge and thinly veiled attempt at getting something, and I usually have to follow them with, "No, really."

If it means anything, at least my sarcasm comes from a good place. When I was a kid, I used to be sarcastic to make people - my parents, friends, and family - laugh. It was also a defense in grade school against the larger people who wanted to punch me or shake me down for my lunch money.

Old joke:
"I'm not known for my boxing skills. In school we used to have to take it in phys ed, and the boxing teacher said, "Remember: whoever controls the breathing controls the fight." And he was right, because before every match I'd pass out."
So, like those terrible rap-offs in the Eminem movie, I'd give my would-be schoolyard opponents a verbal dressing down and - surprise - it always worked! It was almost as though they couldn't bear to punch a little guy with a big mouth any more than they could a baby seal with a cute face. It would just be cruel.

How to be a socially accepted curmudgeon

Of course, there's a fine line between "sarcasm," "honesty," and "cruelty," right? Right! So, you've gotta be careful. You don't want to spend your whole life hurting feelings wherever you go. Or maybe you do, but you'd better get comfortable with being a pariah.

That's sometimes the problem with my beloved bloggers: the person who is so self-satisfied with his or her rightness and truth-telling that "just telling it like it is" becomes "being mean," all justified under the banner of "self-imposed ostracism."

"I'm alone because no one can handle the truth!" is a depressing place in which to live to say the least.

So, how do you become a socially accepted curmudgeon? Mostly by holding it in, being successful, and then letting it out later after people have grown to like you and appreciate your hard and creative work.

My sarcasm was rewarded - dangerous! - as my ad campaigns and stand-up got better; it was like people were willing to wade through your crap most of the time in order to get to the gold once in awhile.

A key sign that you're in this boat is that after a crazy rant, people are still smiling or say something like, "He's creative!"

Red River Curmudgeonly College

In a 2004 interview with the Projector, Zweig says that it's becoming more common to find young curmudgeons:
"(Students) start to realize the huge gap between their idealism and the realities of the world. You know, I think that when I was younger and reading books about civil rights and the peace movement and all that, I sort of thought that there were these evil people in the world perpetrating evil things."

"I thought it was limited to those people. If we can defeat those people, we can change the world. As you get older, there are examples of "the evil" everywhere you look: there's complacency, crowd mentality. There are people working for selfish motivations."
And maybe that's why the profession that usually gets smeared as having more curmudgeons than any other is "journalism."

Imagine the depression that must take hold when your vision of becoming your generation's Woodward and Bernstein becomes writing a story about how much it snowed and someone else's headline - on your story - includes the phrase "the white stuff."

Ding!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Most irritating words, phrases, and expressions of the decade


They Might Be Giants and their list of meaningless phrases.


Word up.

Yeah, that one can go too.

Now that we're entering a new decade, I'd like to lead the charge in eliminating the following list of irritating words, phrases, and expressions from the vocabulary.

Please let me know if I've missed any, and yeah, feel feel free to mock me by including "iPhone," "Kindle," "blog," "new media," "New York Times," and "tweet" in your nominations.

That said...oh yeah, that one's banned too.

1. "Unique"

The lazy copywriter loves "unique," because it eliminates the need to say what, specifically, is unique or special about something.

Ask an ad copywriter who's used the word "unique" the question, "What is actually unique about this product?" and the answer is almost always, "Nothing, so I used the word unique."

As John Candy says in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles:


2. "That said/that being said"

Larry David blew the lid off of this one in the most-recent season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Here's how it works: You say something, like "Larsen sure is a genius!" And follow it with, "That being said, he's a real jerk."

The phrase has no function in the English language other than to take back what you've just said. Why not just cut to the chase and just call me a jerk in the first place? That being said, don't.


3. "Think outside the box"


Although this one has been widely ridiculed since Michael Douglas said it in the movie Traffic, it's a stubborn one that's having trouble going away; I probably heard it uttered 20 or more times this year alone, and not ironically.

To truly show that you think outside the box, please prove it by coming up with another way to say "think outside the box." Any suggestions?


4. "24/7"


I remember the first time I heard this little number; I was having lunch with one of my friends, and out the blue, she blurted out, "I heard you've been working 24/7."

I instantly got what it meant and hated it with a passion. Over the course of the lunch, she said it another 30 or 40 times, and it was then that I knew I'd be hearing it a lot in the months ahead from lots of other people, 24/7.


5. "LOL"


The old joke is that "LOL should be replaced with LYHMSF: "leave your house and make some friends." I agree; yet a quick Twitter search of "LOL" shows that it's been used a zillion times in the last day alone, most recently 10 seconds ago.

Please, everyone, stop laughing out loud when you're in front of your computer and, if you are, just keep it between you and your God.


6. "Make no mistake"


Make no mistake: we're going to catch those scumbag terrorists!

Introduced by George W. Bush, and also used liberally by Barack Obama, it means, "I really believe what I'm saying!" If we always believe what we're saying and don't lie, we never need to say, "Make no mistake."

"Make a mistake: we're going to catch bin Laden" is much more accurate anyway.


7. "Random"


Actual quote from an ex-girlfriend: "We were walking down this random beach and met these random guys, and it was really random because they worked at this random restaurant where we used to randomly hang out with random friends, and..."

Use of this word makes it especially hard to teach "random sampling" when we discuss research in public relations class, so I hereby offer up the alternatives: arbitrary, miscellaneous, chance, or - my favorite - slapdash!


8. "It is what it is"


Perhaps what bugs me the most about this terrible phrase, other than that it adds absolutely nothing to any conversation, is that it's really just a thin translation of the old Popeye catchphrase, "I yam what I yam," and implies that the person who says it is completely helpless to do anything about the situation in question:

Mom: "You got an F on your report card!"

Child: "It is what it is."

Uh, no, actually, in this case, it is what it isn't.


9. "My bad"


The most flippant apology out there, insidious for allowing someone to apologize without actually apologizing.

By implying that there's a range of suspects, the person who says, "My bad," inevitably acts like he or she doing the honorable thing by "clearing up the confusion."

"George Washington, did you cut down this cherry tree?"

"My bad."

Doesn't quite have the conviction of "I cannot tell a lie - it was I!"


10.
"Douchebag"

This word has been out there for a long, long time.

A variation of scumbag, it's only been in the past year that I've noticed people falling over with laughter at its very utterance, even when it's not being used in a funny story or context. What gives?

There are very few words that are funny in and of themselves, except for maybe "jaws of life" and "panties."

So, don't laugh just because someone says douchebag - make them earn your laughter by using it as punctuation to a story that's already hilarious. Plus, everyone knows that "mofo" is much funnier.


11. "Two thousand and..."


Welcome to twenty-ten, baby!